Sunday, December 19, 2010

Our God is An Awesome God

Sorry it’s been a while since I updated, I’ve been pre-occupied with driving myself crazy, praying fervently, and feeling sorry for myself with stupid TTC. Have I ever mentioned just how much I hate TTC, it makes me a crazy person, I can’t even help myself I have to know and it drives me insane. It’s the one area where as much as I self minister that I have to let go and put it in God’s hand’s, I always find myself clinging to any possible hope, and going to the extreme to find out what’s going on.

On November 29th a dear friend from high schools son Leo was born, unfortunately he was born with two different heart defects and passed away shortly after. It’s incredibly hard to see someone you know start to walk this road, but it gave me a chance to share with them the knowledge and peace that I had been given by people who had walked the journey before me. Their beautiful little boy is absolutely amazing, and I’m glad that they are strong in their faith and have seen Gods grace and received His peace.

Recently my Grandfather James McCormick passed away, he had been in the hospital in Florida, suffering from pneumonia and mini strokes for a few weeks. I’m deeply saddened that he passed away, that I can‘t see him anymore, and that I never got a chance to say goodbye or how much I loved and respected him, but I rejoice that he is in God’s arms now and has been healed. I also rejoice that Aiden get’s to have his great grandfather there to take care of him. My Grandfather took such great care of me when I was younger and I’m grateful that Aiden gets to experience what I had when I was a kid. I’m grateful that both of them are with Jesus and have eternal sunshine and love in HIM, the Lord of all.

Last Saturday my dear sweet husband and I spent the evening shopping for baby clothes for the first time since we ever found out that Aiden was “Not compatible with life”. It was very emotionally trying, every time we’d find something cute and I’d think that it would have been adorable on OUR son. I also had a hard time with it because when ever Shawn would pick something out I had to put it in the basket to be bought, but not necessarily to be given to our nephew (the whole reason we were there), but to be kept for our next child, because Shawn (Daddy) had picked it out. If you haven’t walked the road that we have this may sound incredibly selfish and silly since we‘re not even expecting. But it’s not that we were feeling selfish in fact we were only there out of love for our nephew (Trust me, if it was any other baby it would have been a very long time before we could have even thought about buying clothes or toys for them). Walking into a children’s clothing store so recently after having lost a child is the cruelest reminder that you’ll never buy anymore clothes or toys for your child, that they will never wear the ones you already have, it‘s like being jabbed in the gut with an incredibly sharp knife. You look at all of the clothes, and toys and think “Aiden would have loved that”. Every time I’d think to myself that I needed to leave, that this wasn’t helping in any way, it wasn‘t healthy, I’d have to remind myself that I loved my nephew and wanted to send him clothes. I’d have to remind myself, that I don’t ever want him or my brother and sister in law to think that we don’t love him/them, or that we resent him/them because he and Aiden were due around the same time and he was healthy and Aiden wasn‘t. I want him/them to know that as hard as it is for us because Aiden isn’t here and he wasn‘t healthy, we still love Donovan very much, he’s our nephew.

Donovan James was born on December 15th to his wonderful parents Patrick and Michelle McCormick. Shawn and I are so very happy and excited for them that their sweet baby boy finally arrived (In traditional McCormick style…After his due date. LOL). He is a big, healthy, sweet baby boy. I haven’t spoken much to my brother or sister in law since he was born, but from what I have, they are all doing well and settling into their lives together. I’m so grateful that they are both God fearing adults who will hold their children and read to them God’s word.

Lately we’ve been feeling very heavy because we haven’t spoken to important people lately, it saddens my heart in a way that is indescribable. I’m so deeply saddened that some people in our lives have maybe felt that they couldn’t talk to us, for fear that they might “rub it in” or “make it worse”. Sadly there are a lot of people that Shawn and I considered ourselves to be very close to, that we haven’t heard much from. This is almost devastating because we love all of these people very much and could use their presence in our lives especially now.

Everything TTC has made me slightly insane lately, I have this insatiable need to be a mother, to have a live healthy baby in my arms, crying for my attention. I’ve been peeing on sticks and staring line onto them for a week now, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way, it’s not our decision to be pregnant, it’s God’s.

One of my patients from a new patient appreciation day sent me a gift late last week. I hadn’t spoken to them about Aiden (frankly we didn’t have time, LOL), but they knew about him because one of my co-workers is in a prayer circle with them. The bag they sent had a necklace with a circle locket. On the front of the locket is hearts, inside it has Aiden’s name on one side, and on the other it says Always in my heart, on the back it has his birthday. I almost cried when I saw the locket, it was such a selfless act that meant so much to me. A true example of a person of God, someone who is completely giving to someone they don’t even know. The bag also had a book “I will carry you” by Angie Smith. I didn’t really pay much attention to the book at first (to distracted with the locket), but once I did I realized that I was familiar with the story. I had read her blog when I first found out about Aiden’s diagnosis, there was a link to it from the string or pearls website.

The book is amazing,  it’s like she’s writing everything that’s in my heart, pouring it onto the pages. It’s amazing to me how much God has been ministering to all of us through these challenging months and years for some. He has an amazing plan for all of us and our sweet children, He is and will be glorified through them and these trials that he has given us. I’m so very grateful for his presence in our lives. I’ve said it a million times before, but I’m not really sure how people don’t believe in Him or try to deny Him. In the book it talks a lot about the story of Lazarus and how Martha and Mary sent word to Jesus that their brother was sick. It talks about how they never told Jesus that he needed to do anything, they simply sent word “Lord, the one you love is sick”. She talks about how this passage in particular ministered to her during her pregnancy, and it ministers to me now. She talks about how instinctually we run to God and tell him what we want Him to do, and it’s completely true. I’m not saying that telling God what we want isn’t good, in fact in the bible it talks about how God wants us to let him in, to even though God knows our hearts and our every desires, tell him everything that we are thinking, our deepest secretes and desires. But it does make me think about the way I approach Him some times, I tend to come to God with my heart on my sleeve, but not all of it I guard the inmost pains, and instead of waiting to see what His response will be to my heart ache, I tell Him what I think the response should be.

The other night we were reading “Our Daily Bread” and it led us to 1 Corinthians 4-13.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I’ve decided that this is Aiden’s verse, it is everything that God taught to us through Aiden, it’s everything that was accomplished through Aiden, and it’s the very way God is being glorified through Aiden.

Our God is an awesome God, and I’m grateful to be in His presence and to have Him in control of my life. Without God we have nothing.

Thank you Abba


Monday, December 6, 2010

Starting Over

Well It's official we're starting over with trying to conceive (TTC) in hopes that we will be able to give Aiden some siblings here on earth. It's a nerve wrecking decision because there are so many things that (in my mind) could go wrong, but at the same time there are a lot of people who have perfectly normal healthy babies.

I'm doing my best to not put to much effort into getting pregnant again. But it's hard not to, I'm so incredibly obbsessed with getting pregnant again and having a healthy baby this time. It doesn't help that I have no idea whats going on with my body. Last time we were TTC I knew what was going on because I had had a period and knew when my cycle had started. Now I have no idea.

I bought some ovulation detectors (OPK's) but their not really helping shed any light on the situation. The way they work is they pick up LH in your urine which rises as your body gears up and then is at it's peak when you ovulate. It looks similar to a pregnancy test where it has two lines a control line and a test line. right before ovulation the tests will show lines but they wont be dark, the day of ovulation the line is dark and the same or darker then the control line. The day after ovulation the line will lighter again, and idealy eventually go away.

On Sat I took an OPK and it had a light line, on Sun I took another late in the evening and it was neg, Today I took another and it has a light line again. LOL I think my body is toying with me! In the past I would sit and obsess over it, now I'm just hoping that my body has O'd. Mainly because I want my body to start my cycles again to give us a chance to get pregnant again.

I've prayed a lot about TTC and being pregnant again, and I've decided that when God is ready he will give us another baby. It will happen when it's meant to, and as hard as it is for me not to know whats going on with my body, it's all in God's hands.

I'm just going to have to keep reminding myself that God is in complete control and when it's time he will give us more children.

Thursday, November 18, 2010


In the last week I've been starting to feel better a little more normal. I've officially left the house all of my own accord twice now, however yesterday I'm not so sure it was good for me to be driving myself. I'm supposed to be going back to work on Monday and I'm starting to feel a little anxious about that, especially after yesterday. I'm just afraid that while physically I've started feeling better and emotionally I've been better, I'm still kinda in my head and not really focused on anything else.

Yesterday while I was driving I noticed I wasn't really paying all that great of attention, not noticing other cars while I'm backing up, swerving close to guard rails while driving in the mountains. And while none of this is intentional and I've been trying to clear my head and focus it's just not working. I'm afraid that maybe I should have listened to the doctors recommendation of staying off work for at least a month, physically I'm doing much better besides my back which is still killing me, but maybe I shouldn't be going back when I'm still distracted. I just don't know what to do...It just scares me that I’ve been so reckless and if that’s how I am just backing out of a parking spot at the grocery store, then how am I supposed to be working like this? I mean part of it is just nerves about going back to work after having been off for a little while and after everything that’s happened. But part of it I can’t control at all, kinda like I’m in a really thick fog and can’t see more then a few feet in front of me. It’s disturbing really, I’ve even noticed I don’t look people in the eye anymore, almost like if we have eye contact they’ll see off the hurt and pain inside me, they’ll know I’m broken.

Talking about trying again has also been consuming my mind lately, I have so many fears like: what if it all happens again, what if I have another miscarriage, what if I can’t get pregnant again, what if I have a completely healthy baby and then it dies. I guess maybe this is all part of my fog that I can’t clear out of my head. I really think I will be ready once we can start trying again, I’m even excited about trying again, but I just have my reservations because I remember it wasn’t easy last time and I remember how depressed I was every time it didn’t happen.

Another part of my fog is that I’m afraid of how close we’ve cut it financially in the last few months. Shawn and I live paycheck to paycheck as it is, if something happens where one of us doesn’t get all of our hours one week we’re screwed and that’s happened a lot lately. Using some of the money I saved for maternity leave has helped get us back on track, but what would we have done otherwise? (And I really don’t like using that money because we do plan on trying again and we’re going to need that money for my unpaid maternity leave then) Certainly not have a Christmas this year, I’m still worried about Christmas I’m just not sure how any of us can afford it. If we’re only buying the bare minimum for groceries, milk, eggs, bread, if it’s on sale meat, then how are we going to buy gifts for over 20 people? - If you know me at all you know this makes me more upset then anything, I’m a proud person and I hate when I cut it close on anything. I hate the feeling of not being able to afford something, especially gifts for Christmas, Christmas shopping is always something I truly enjoy and get excited about. This year is already different enough, Aiden wont be here for Christmas like I had counted on, it’s still his first Christmas but he wont be celebrating it with us, he’ll be celebrating it with his grandpa in heaven.

I just feel so broken, I don’t know what I expected for myself at the end of this week. I guess I thought that maybe I’d be fine and be ready to go back to work, but those really weren’t fair assumptions, I’m rushing myself to be better and I’m not. I still feel hesitant to be around anyone, almost like I don’t really want to let anyone in and would honestly feel better if everyone left me alone. I like being alone, I like having all day with my thoughts, having time to maul them over without interruption, I like doing things on my own terms not someone else’s.  I really expected that something would magically change inside of me and I would wake up feeling like I missed people and interaction with people, I used to be so sociable I’d go crazy without anyone to talk to, but now I could really careless, except for Shawn I really don’t want anyone around.

Maybe going back to work will be good for me, force me to be sociable again and maybe help me to regain some of myself and clear some of this fog. I’m trying to be optimistic and remind myself that I really do love my job and all of my patients and co-workers, and it’ll be good to see them again. That it’s not as scary and painful as my head is trying to convince me it will be. And same goes for trying again, I keep reminding myself that even as scary as it is having to start all over again, God has a purpose for my being here and my desperate need for children, and ultimately it’s all in HIS hands. Even if all of the things that I’m so afraid of happen, I know it’s for his purpose, as hard as that can be to swallow sometimes. God is working in me, and he’s patient with me. God doesn’t expect me to be all better overnight but he is helping me to get there because he knows that I will someday, just not right away.

A little less broken,
-Jessie (Aidens Mommy)

Friday, November 12, 2010


I've made a lot of progress in my grief. I've started to confront a lot of my issues, I've been reading "Empty cradle, broken heart. Surviving the death of your baby" and it's helped me to confront those feelings. I have realized that I'm like a wounded animal I crawl off to a secluded place with no one around so that I can lick my wounds and heal before ever emerging back into the population, so that when I do I'm healed and not bleeding anymore, I can defend myself again. Going along with that I've also learned that if I'm forced back into the real world and I'm not healed I can't control myself or my emotions and have a tendency to lash out, it's honestly better to leave me alone and put myself back together and then come around when I'm ready, other wise I'm resentful and angry. I've also started to grasp my severe abandonment issues, I've realized that when I was young I attached myself to people and made myself dependant on them because maybe I never felt like I could depend on the people I should be dependant on. The people or things were always things or people that had no way of supporting me in the ways that I needed thus they would leave and I'd feel alone again playing into my feeling of abandonment. Eventually I built a defense mechanism that I'll leave before you ever get the chance to leave me.

In grieving for Aiden it's the first time in a long time that I've had to deal with these issues. They've come up in the past but it wasn't ever something I had to acknowledge and sort through before moving forward because it was always just me, no one else was involved. Now I have to acknowledge Shawn and his pain and style of grieving. It's been difficult, today was the first time we've argued since Aiden left us and it was all over the ways we each grieve being different. I guess we're learning something that we should have learned a long time ago, we're a team and we're together no matter what, so we'd better start learning to communicate and respect each others feelings or it'll never work. And simply the thought of that is terrifying.

As time goes on Aiden's life seems so marvelous the things we did while he was here the lessons we've learned, the lives that he's changed. He truly is God's gracious gift and God was truly glorified through him and all of the lessons that we all learned from him. I’m so incredibly grateful for everything that Aiden is, and everything that Aiden has taught us.  It’s easy to get distracted with all of our feelings of pain and sorrow, but we have to remind ourselves that as much as we miss him and wish that we could be with him, he is in a place where there is no pain or sorrow, all of the defects with his earthly body are healed and he is perfect in heaven,

We miss our baby boy more then anything in the world but we know that he is safe and healthy in heaven. All those nights that we prayed that God would heal him and make him healthy, he did, in heaven. I’m grateful that Aiden is healthy, I’m grateful that he doesn’t have to experience any of the pain and hurting that the rest of us do. I just miss him dearly and it’s hard for me to come up with a healthy balance of being grateful that he’s not here and being devastated that he‘s not.

I just keep reminding myself that someday I’m going to wake up and that feeling of emptiness and uselessness wont be there, and that just because it’s gone doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten, just that I’ve finally allowed myself to move on. I guess I’m having issues with figuring out who I am without Aiden, I made Aiden so much a part of my everyday life that it’s hard for me to move forward and do normal everyday things because my instinct is to talk to Aiden and ask him what he thinks, or explain to him what I’m doing, or tucking him in at night with his turtle and his bat. It’s like I have to re-learn who I am and what I’m doing with my life before I could ever move forward. I started seeing myself as Shawn’s wife and Aiden’s mommy, now I feel like I’ve lost that part of myself. I feel like I’m no longer a mommy, I don’t have a baby here on earth, and as much as I can understand that no one could ever take away the fact that I’m Aiden’s mommy and always will be, it’s hard to feel like a mommy without a baby.

While Aiden was here I was so invested in getting back to school and getting all of my pre-requisites to go to PA school, ever since he’s been gone I’ve had no motivation to move forward with it. I still want to go back, but I’m not sure that I’m ready to move forward with my life and create a new commitment. I guess a lot of that is my feeling of un-readiness to make any commitments to anything at this moment. Maybe in time I’ll be able to move forward and make commitments again, but I think it’s just going to take time. It’s all just going to take time…

Someday things will get easier, and our devastation and pain wont be as constant, we’re never going to forget, but I hope with time the pain will dull and we’ll only remember the happy memories with Aiden.

As always much love
-Jessie M. (Aiden’s Mommy)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Words from a broken heart

It’s been 6 days since we said goodbye to Aiden, it seems like eternity but at the same time like it was yesterday. Grieving is such an odd process, it doesn’t really follow an exact timeline or guide. They tell you what to expect but it really comes in waives. One day you’re a complete mess and can’t do anything without losing it, the next you cry some but their mostly happy tears and you have peace.  God has truly blessed us with our grief because he’s given us peace to know that while our hearts ache because Aiden is gone, we know that he is in heaven and that he’s safe, healthy and happy there, we know that he is completely healed and knows no pain or sorrow.

My body hurts in so many ways it’s ridicules seems like all of my lady parts have deeply betrayed me. Between the searing pain, bleeding and the fact that my body is producing more then enough milk for a baby with no baby to feed, it’s easy to feel that some how it’s all just a cruel joke. The doctor says that I should heal soon (physically) and I shouldn’t hurt for much longer, maybe another week. She told us that we could start trying again as soon as my body has completely healed and I get a natural period. I keep going back and forth in my head, some days I can’t wait to get pregnant again to move forward and on to brighter times, others I think I’m not ready to go through this again, I’ll be terrified the entire pregnancy there will never be a time when I’m not afraid that something will happen, other days I think to myself that maybe I have nothing to worry about because it may never happen again, just look at my track record. Inside my head is a slurry of incredibly painful thoughts with occasional glances of happiness or at least what I think used to be happiness, found memories of talking, singing, dancing and most of all loving Aiden.

It’s easy to be depressed and say that I should be there too, that it isn’t fair for me to be here without him, that we should both be in heaven together because it isn’t fair for him to be here and suffering. But I know all to well that I’m here for a reason that I have to be here for the rest of my family and to give Aiden bothers and sisters. God has a purpose for all of our pain and will deliver us from our sorrow.  

On Tuesday Shawn went to the junk yard to get parts for his car (I think more to get out of this house, out of his head and do something that made him feel normal, not sad), while he was gone I decided to do laundry, I walked down the basement steps and saw his stroller and car seat and had to move it. I decided a long time ago that only certain items that we have for a baby were specifically Aiden’s because I was afraid that if we did lose him I would never be able to see those items again. I decided that really and truly the only items that were specifically his were the sea turtle from my brother, the bat I bought, the baby clothes that Shawn and I bought specifically to take to the hospital, and the baby blanket I bought for him the first few weeks I knew I was pregnant. So having said all that while the other items are not Aiden’s they are very painful reminders that Aiden never came home and used them, so I decided to put all of that into his nursery, put it somewhere it’s safe and wont get messed up or dirty, but also somewhere I don’t have to see it every time I try to do something. Once I had moved all the baby things upstairs into the nursery I felt the urge to put away all of the baby clothes and sheets that weren’t on the crib and toys, I grabbed boxes from the basement and set to it. I set my phone up and started listening to music starting with all of the songs that remind me of Aiden just as a tribute, as I was cleaning my phone was shuffling through music and came to a recording I had made of Aiden’s heart beat. I stopped and sobbed as hard as I think I could have possibly sobbed, I felt like everything inside of me was shattering, like my blood turned to glass and was cutting as it beat through my system.

Yesterday Shawn and I decided to go get tattoos of Aiden’s name and birthday. We had talked ever since we found out the Aiden wasn’t going to be here for very long, that we would go and get tattoos together . Aiden has had such an impact in ours and other peoples lives that we wanted a permanent reminder spelled out in ink that he was here and he was loved, mostly for us, but also so that when we meet someone new and they see that tattoo and ask the inevitable question of who is Aiden or say I like your tattoo we can explain that we have another son that’s in heaven and he is our angel sent from God, our little fire. Shawn got his first and middle names and birthday tattooed on his forearm, I got his first and middle names, birthday and three turtles on my foot, one turtle for Aiden, one for Shawn, and one for me, eternally together always a family, even if Aiden is in heaven. I figure if in the future Shawn and I do have more children I have turtles put on my other foot to represent them, we’ll always be a family of turtles all because of our little turtle.

Today we had to go to the mortuary to pick up Aiden’s ashes, a day I never in a million years would have thought would come.  But then again all of the things that have happened thus far are things I never in a million years would have thought would or could happen. Funeral homes are depressing no matter what, but it is unbelievably depressing to be there to pick up the remains of your son, all of him reduced to ashes in a little white box…I had to keep reminding myself that Aiden is in heaven and that while that is his physical body, he is in heaven.  Aiden got to come home…Just not in any way that we would have imagined, but again none of this is anything I would have imagined.  Now we have the joy of figuring out what we’re going to do for him as far of service goes. We already know that we’re going to burry his ashes where Shawn’s dad in buried, but we aren’t sure if we’re going to go to burry him on our own or have a small service for him with family and friends while we’re there.  I’m starting to think we’re going to burry Aiden by ourselves and then have a small memorial service at our house afterward for family and friends.

Thinking about Aiden I can’t help but praise God for all of the time that we got to have with him, especially me, he was inside me we shared everything and did everything together. Aiden went everywhere I went, felt all of my emotions and heard everything that I heard. I feel so empty and useless,  like a key piece of me is missing without him. He was wondrously and perfectly made, God made him so perfect in every single way he was never meant for this world. God knew that sometimes some people are just so special and so perfect it’s not right for them to stay here in this world and be tied to flawed body and have to experience all of the pain and sorrow that comes with being here. God spared him of any of that of any suffering, he knew he was so special he couldn’t let him go.

Music is a great way to mourn, there are a million songs that come to mind, some that I listened to and sung to Aiden, others that express my sadness that he’s gone, still others completely unrelated that make you cry for no reason other then that their sad. Songs will just pop into my head because of their lyrics, I’ll be talking or typing and something will remind me of the lyrics of the song. Today was “Hear You Me” or some people know it by it’s chorus May Angels Lead You In by Jimmy Eat World. There’s just so many things in the lyrics to that song that apply, thinking we had more time with Aiden, feeling like we never got a chance to truly tell him goodbye (I mean before he was in heaven), feeling like even God knew he was to special.

Broken Hearted, but always loving, Aiden’s mommy
-Jessie M.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Aiden James Mares

God's gracious gift Aiden James Mares passed away on Thursday November 4th, 2010, and was born into heaven on Friday November 5th, 2010. He weighed just under 2lbs and was almost 14in long.

Thursday was an odd day from the very beginning. I woke up at 8:30 in the morning with a huge wet spot on my shirt. First i felt between my legs because I was convinced that my water had broken and I had been laying in it, but when I realized I was completely dry I started smelling my shirt and checking the bed convinced that one of the cats had peed on me. After searching the entire bed and finding that I was the only thing that was wet, I called the doctor groggy and panicked. After talking to the doctor for about two minutes she asked if I had checked my bra to see if I had started leaking. I peaked inside my bra and sure enough there were stains from my breasts leaking colostrum. The doctor informed me that a lot of mothers will start to leak towards the end of their pregnancy and that it was completely normal and nothing to be worried about. She told me to get some nursing pads to prevent embarrassing moments and not to worry.  At the start of the day I had plans of going and taking the accuplacer test for school and getting ready to register for classes, but after waking up to lactation I realized today was a different day and decided to stay home. Aiden's schedule had changed slightly, he was becoming more active later in the day and during the beginning and middle parts of the day he was mostly stretching and re-adjusting himself. I spent the day just enjoying his company and talking to my boy while resting on the couch. We had an appointment at the Perinatal Resource Center in the hospital at 4pm, I remember leaving the house and thinking that I needed to make sure the cat's had food and water, and thought about grabbing my hospital bag, I wasn't sure why but decided to ignore those instincts. Walking into the hospital Shawn said hello to Aiden and he stretched real big and re-adjusted himself, I said hello baby boy and we both told him that we loved him. After we had signed in at the doctors office we sat down in the waiting room and he kicked hard twice low in my belly, Shawn and I told him we loved him. The moment the ultrasound hit my belly and we saw Aiden on the monitor I knew something wasn't right. Aiden is always moving even when he's sleeping he's always moving, but he wasn't moving. When the nurse looked for his heart beat she couldn't find it, she looked to see if it was just the way he was sitting and checked for blood flow. You could see the blood flowing through the umbilical cord towards him, but nothing flowing out or through him. All I remember thinking was God please no, no please don't take my baby boy from me. After the doctor confirmed that he was gone, they gave us the option of either staying and being induced that night as soon as Dr. Peters could get there, or going home collecting our things and coming back to be induced. Shawn and I decided to stay and be induced that night, we were already there and so heart broken driving was out of the question. Once they had settled the debate of whether we were going to stay and have the delivery now or wait till tomorrow, the doctors informed us that even though Aiden had been head down for the last few weeks he had shifted and was now sitting breach and backwards. They let us know that delivery was probably going to be a little more complicated just because of him being breach and also backwards, they warned that typically because of his size they wouldn't expect me to have any tares or need an episiotomy, but because of those complications it was likely.

Everything was so surreal like there was no way it was actually happening. After calling all of our family and letting them know what had happened, we were moved into room 5706 in the delivery rooms. All the nurses bringing us into the room let us know that they had heard of our son and our story and had been praying for us and him. They told us that they were so encouraged by our strength and faith in God.  At about 6:30 they came in to start my IV, I was informed by our nurse Megan that I had very difficult veins to give IV's apparently they are very small. Megan brought in another nurse that she said was the big guns! She was the IV specialist, and if she couldn’t get it no one could. This nurse made things a little easier, she lightened the mood in the room and made us laugh. She said that when she was learning IV’s she was taught by a scary little Asian women who told her not to think of them as people, their not people their oranges! She told us that it’s very hard to imagine people as oranges because oranges don’t talk, or move. I am apparently a very non-cooperative orange! I’m more of a tangelo because I’m not cooperative and apparently tangelo’s are the rebels in the orange world. Oh and I should never attempt doing drugs because you wouldn’t be able to find a vein to inject them! LOL. Every time she would get close to do the IV I would start laughing and she kept saying I was a very non-cooperative orange. Finally she got to IV in andproclaimed that while she was the big guns and could always get the IV most of her patients looked like road kill afterwards. I was just barely road kill, I was the clean kind only a little blood.

At 8pm after giving me the first dose of medication to help soften and dilate my cervix the doctor let us know that labor was probably going to take a long time, and that our visitor's should probably go home because it would be morning before Aiden came.  My aunt Cindy gave Shawn some Ambien to help him sleep since the hospital would only give me medications, and everyone said goodbye until the morning.

It was the longest night of my life, they offered to give me something to sleep but I was afraid that I would be groggy when Aiden came, so I just attempted to sleep on my own, but I had so many things going through my mind it was hopeless. It didn't help that every half hour the nurse would come in to check to see if my labor had progressed any. At about 12:30am the contractions were starting to bother my back and I requested the epidural, it took an hour of IV fluids before they could give me the epidural. Shawn and I had abandoned hope of sleeping and decided to turn on a movie to take our minds off of everything that was going on.  Shortly after the epidural was started they started petosen in my IV because my labor was still not progressing, I still wasn‘t dilated at all.  At 4:40am Dr. Peters and Megan came in and broke my water.  Because of Aiden’s condition I had a lot of excess amniotic fluid, it sounded like someone turned on the faucet and left it on full blast for about 15 minutes. Megan our nurse was surprised and had to change the pad and towels underneath me multiple times because there was so much. I remember looking at my belly once it was done, I went from looking 9 month’s pregnant to looking maybe 20 weeks within 15 minutes.  Around 6am the nurse brought the anesthesiologist back to give me another dose of anesthesia because I was starting to feel things again, they also increased my petosen because labor was still not progressing or dilating. Once I was numb I fell fast asleep until 7:30am when Dr. Peters came in to let us know that she was going off shift and a doctor for the Perinatologist would be taking over. Before leaving she checked me one more time and let us know that it was actually time to start pushing. Dr. Peter's made arrangements and stayed the remainder of our delivery. At 8am we started pushing and Aiden came at 8:30am.

Aiden was so much smaller then Shawn or I had expected, but he was perfect in every single way. He was so very fragile, everything about him. He didn’t look like what a normal baby would, his skin was fragile and pale and bruised from labor. But to Shawn and I he looked amazingly beautiful, perfect in every single way. Shawn and I spent 45 minutes by ourselves holding him and marveling at how amazing he was. When family came in we held Aiden and let everyone come and see the miracle that was our beautiful little boy. Because he was so fragile we didn’t want anyone to hold him other then us because we didn’t want anything to happen to him. The photographer came and they took pictures of him and us and our family, then we made wonderful little memories by creating molds of his foot prints and his little hand.

After a little while our day time nurse Karen came in and removed my epidural from my back and helped me into the bathroom to clean up. She instructed me on how to use the “mommy diapers” and how to take care of myself for the next few weeks because of the tare and having given birth. She also instructed me to wear a tight fitting bra at all times for the next 2 weeks because my milk had come in full blast and that is the only way to get rid of it and not cause infection.

We spent the rest of the day with Aiden on a baby warmer next to the hospital bed as we rested and enjoyed the time we got to spend with our little boy, our precious little angel. We had many visitors, friends, family, co-workers that are practically family.  LOL we never took a nap because every time we’d start to fall asleep we’d get another visitor. Everyone in the labor and delivery department knew that all three of us were very much loved and supported. At 5:30 our night time nurse Megan came back in and asked us if we wanted a basinet for Aiden to sit in instead of the warmer because the warmer was so big and not very loving. After looking at our son we realized that he was starting not to look like himself anymore, that it was maybe time to say goodbye so that we only remembered him the way he was when he was born.  Shawn picked him up and held him close as he said goodbye, then brought him over to me and I said my goodbyes and kissed his head. Megan came in and gently carried him away.  Taking Aiden from our room was almost the most painful thing of the day, even though we knew Aiden was already gone and in heaven, having his physical body there in the room with us made it seem like he wasn’t gone yet, we could cling to him and never let go.

My work came by and surprised the hospital staff, I don’t think they had ever seen someone’s entire office come in to visit! My office let us know that they had set up a list of people who were going to be bringing us dinner for the next week so that once we got home we didn’t have to worry about trying to cook for ourselves and asked if we needed anything, someone to mow the lawn, groceries, milk, anything.  My office is so incredibly compassionate and loving, we are so grateful for them. After the majority of the office had left Debbie and Lori came by and stayed with us talking for a little while, they even went and got us dinner from noodles and company and sat with us while we ate. After they had left we let Megan know that we were tired and ready to go to sleep, she gave me an ambien and to sleep we went.

The next morning was possibly the hardest day of my life. I physically hurt a lot, emotionally I was destroyed, and my baby was gone forever. After spending 2 hours crying as hard as we possibly could we got up and took showers, packed up everything in the room and called the nurse to see if we could go home. The doctor from the Perinatal center came in and checked to make sure I wasn’t bleeding to much wrote me a RX for some percocet and discharged me from the hospital.  He let me know that typically women who have children are in as much physical pain as I was, but because their body is still producing adrenalin to take care of their new child their bodies don’t allow them to recognize the pain.  He also talked to us that if we wanted we could start to try again in about 6 weeks as long as everything below had healed, but that we may want to wait until we were emotionally stable.

We had already made arrangements with the help of my aunt Cindy to have Aiden taken to Aspen Mortuary once his body was released from the hospital, to have him cremated and his ashes returned to us. It was all said and done. The nurses helped us load up a cart with all of our things, put me into a wheel chair and wheeled me down to the emergency entrance of the hospital. Shawn pulled around my car and we loaded everything into it and I got ready to drive myself home. Shawn went and brought his car around and followed me home.

Driving home was so incredibly painful in so many ways, I had always thought that driving home from the hospital would be Shawn and I together with Aiden in the back seat in his car seat, instead it was Shawn and I in different car’s and Aiden wasn’t coming home.  My body also let me know that it wasn’t very happy with the situation, My stomach hurt down below hurt, my breasts hurt because they were full of milk and engorged. I cried the entire way home so hard that sometimes I couldn’t see.

Though all of this is incredibly painful we’ve learned to focus on the good things, Aiden is in heaven with God the father. There is no pain or sorrow or tears in heaven and he’s healthy and taken care of. We were devastated that we never got to spend time with him while he was alive outside of the womb, but God knew that we couldn’t watch our son die or suffer in any way. Aiden only ever knew love, love from his mother and father, and most of all love from and for God. We are so incredibly grateful to have gotten the chance to have Aiden, to have known him even if it was just 9 short months, he changed our lives forever and will always be our sweet baby boy.  When we started to think about how small Aiden was, and his heart defect that made his heart have to work so much harder, everything that he did was such a miracle. He was much smaller then any other babies but he kicked and moved and made himself known as much or more then other babies. He held on as long as he possibly could, even with his heart he never let us know that he was sick (Obviously we knew because of what the doctors had told us, but Aiden never acted any different then you would expect a normal healthy baby to). Aiden’s story has reached people and families that Shawn and I have never met, through our faith, love and devotion to God in dealing with his diagnosis, Aiden has been a light in this dark world and helped show people to God. Aiden has helped to bring glory to God by bringing non-Believers into his arms.

God has blessed us through this experience and we couldn’t be more grateful. Most parents never experience the kind of love and devotion that we have for our son, not that they don’t love their children deeply but they never learn to appreciate every second that they have with them like we did, because they never have to cope with the idea that ultimately at any moment our loved ones could be called back up into heaven without any warning.

We love and miss of precious sweet little angel boy Aiden James more then anything in the world, but are so grateful that he’s safe and happy in Gods arms and that someday we will be there with him.


-Jessie M. - Aiden’s mommy

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Lately I've been plagued with the feeling that time is just escaping me. Seems like it was yesterday that I had months before Aiden was due, now I only have weeks. And while I'm so excited to meet my son, to see his face and hold him for the first time, I'm terrified and deeply saddened. I guess part of me really thought that maybe I could stay pregnant forever and he and I could just go on like this until the end of time.

The thought of Aiden's birth is so bitter sweet I'm not sure what to expect, it's getting harder not to cry every time someone mention's that it's almost time. I guess I never really wanted that day to come ever since I found out that he was sick. Before we knew that Aiden was sick (or that he was going to be Aiden and not Hailey) I used to say things like after I have this baby we'll go do this or that, I think back and want to kick myself. I looked at being pregnant as being inconvenient instead of a blessing. There are so many regrets that I have about the beginning of my pregnancy, things I wish I had never said, feelings or thoughts I had, so many things that I wish I could change. I guess I never realized just how blessed I was, it was sadly the best part of my pregnancy and I messed it all up by not being grateful.

Last week was the first time I told any of my patient's about Aiden's diagnoses...It hurt in a good way if that make's any sense at all. I mean I guess telling one person isn't telling the world but it's not exactly the easiest thing to tell people and even harder to tell to patient's. Then it got me thinking, I'm going to have to explain this to all of my patient's at some point, or I'll just play dumb. I mean all of my patient's have seen me pregnant, they know that I'm expecting a little boy, so their inevitably going to ask how the baby is doing when I come back from maternity leave. - In the past my work has done birth announcements in our newsletter and sign's in the office so patient's know, but what are they going to do for Aiden? Announce that he's here and not say anything more? Ignore it ever happened unless patients ask? - Will I be able to explain to patient's that yes I had a beautiful little boy who was very very sick and went to be with Jesus? Is that what's going to happen? Will he be born and live and I'll be terrified to leave his side because I don't want to miss a moment of his amazing life? How would they explain that to my patients? I'm home taking care of my son how's extremely sick? - Would I still have a job? - I have millions of questions floating around in my head right now, and I guess the one that rings clearer then any of the rest is - What will my patients be told? The thought of it not being mentioned at all is I think the most devastating of all the options, mainly because it makes Aiden into a dirty little secret and that's simply not acceptable, I've worked so hard to make sure that every moment of his life is documented and appreciated and never forgotten. I want people to know that he is my son and the most amazing little boy ever imagined, he's our everything, I just wish everyone else could understand.

Every time I find myself on my knee's I find myself pleading with God again begging that Aiden not be taken away so soon, that we have many many year's with him, plenty of time, not just 4 weeks.

Today the doctor asked about delivery and how we wanted everything to go… We’ve sat down with Becky from String of Pearls and discussed a birth plan, we have a draft of it. But when the doctor asked me that question I felt like saying we had agreed on this, but that’s not what I want at all. The doctors can tell me a million times that nothing I do can help him, but I can’t help but feel like it could and that I should do everything possible for him. They say that having a caesarian birth wouldn’t help or improve Aiden’s chances, but my heart says that if he’s having a hard time with natural birth then yes it does. They say that intubation wont help him if it’s needed, but my heart says that if he can’t eat on his own no way in hell am I going to let him starve to death. I know with my brain that his chances aren’t good and that all of this could be just prolonging the inevitable, but my heart says take whatever measures necessary to take care of him.

I guess I just have to go back to my original prayer that none of these things are things that we or the doctors have to decide… 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Take What You Want From Me

After our Doctors appointment on Monday it sunk in for Shawn and I that Aiden's due date is only five weeks and three days away (Then six weeks). It sunk in that if the Doctors are right then that's all the time we have left with Aiden. It breaks my heart to even think that way, I can't imagine our lives without him, and I never want to find out what it's like.

Aiden is what keeps me going every day, he's the reason I pull myself outta bed and go to work. I'm so terrified that we're going to lose him and there's nothing that can be done. But at the same time I know that if God chooses to taken Aiden to be with him it's because he needed to, because it's what's best for him. I just don't want to have to love my baby from a far, I want him here with me.

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I was a year ago, I begged and pleaded everyday that God would give me a child, someone I could mother, who was completely and solely dependant on me. I wanted so very desperately to be a mother, I never even considered that sometimes being a mother doesn't always mean that your child is here with you. I didn't even imagine that things like this could happen, I always thought that you get pregnant you carry the baby for 9 months and then you give birth and take home a baby and raise them. It never occurred to me that many women get pregnant and for 9 months their the best mothers, they give birth and don't take home a baby because theirs went to be with Jesus. - These are some of best mothers in my opinion because they have to except that sometimes only God knows what's best for us and our children. Their the one's that had to cling to God every step of the way and know that it's all HIS will and trust completely and solely in HIM. So all that while I was praying for someone to be completely dependant on me, I should have been working on making myself completely dependant on God. All things good and bad come from him, we don't accomplish anything on our own, all things come from God.

I've been listening a lot to this song Impossible by Anberlin, I'm pretty sure it's about a break up but in some weird way it speaks to me and my situation. The chorus is "I'm impossible to figure out, so impossible you had your doubts, Take what you want from me, it means nothing now, take everything you wanted, it means nothing now, not so easy to forgive, harder to forget, taken what you what from me"

The other song that I've been replaying all day is Love The Way You Lie by Eminem and Rhianna again I'm pretty sure it's another break up song but it speaks to what I'm feeling "Ever love someone so much you can barely breath when your with them...Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that’s all right because I like the way it hurts, just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that’s all right because I love the way you lie, love the way you lie"

I guess lately I kinda feel like I have nothing left, do whatever you want to me because nothing is worse or harder then facing this, and I know that God is working in everything so even these mountains that seem way to high and hard to climb I can and will with HIS help. I've never felt more strong in my faith than I have going through all of this, I trust completely that while I may have no idea what God's divine plans are for me and my son, I know that HE will be glorified through them. So whether Aiden is born and shortly after goes to be with Jesus as the doctors all predict, or he's born and through a miracle of God he stays for many many years and is a living testimony to God's glory as we hope and pray every day, God will always come first in Aiden's life, he will always be just as dependant on God as I am now and that's the best blessing and hope that any parent can have for their children.

Much love, lots of tears
- Aiden's Mommy

Monday, October 4, 2010


End of September - Beginning of October has been a very busy time. We've had Doctor's appt's, getting ready for a baby shower, a baby shower, cleaning up after a baby shower, and Shawn's birthday is tomorrow, we're running all over it seems.

Aiden's baby shower was on October 2nd we had a big turn out and had a lot of fun celebrating with all of our friends and family. It was a wonderful time for everyone who was able to come! P.S. I think we got enough food! LOL Thank you to everyone who brought something, if you'd like some cake please let us know cause we have enough to feed a small village. LOL

Today we had Aiden's doctors appt at the Perinatal Resource center. We got a lot of good news first and foremost being that while I've been very concerned in the last week that I might be getting close to being put on bed rest the doctor doesn't think I'm in danger on pre-term labor. I've been having more frequent and stronger braxton hicks contractions after being on my feet for over an hour, however they do go away once I rest. Also in the past days I've had a lot of discomfort in my pelvic area while walking and standing and a feeling like my hips are spreading apart (Now you see why I was getting worried!?!?!). Doctor says not to worry in the last two weeks Aiden has turned head down, the pelvic pressure I've been feeling is because the little one hasn't been in that area before now so it's a new pulling sensation I'm not used to. He says the braxton hicks are normal and not to be worried about them as my cervix is long, thick, and no where close to being dilating, which in normal speak mean's they've had no effect on my cervix and as long as I rest and get off my feet when I have the stronger one's more frequently, there's no need for bed rest for now. Second my placenta has moved another centameter meaning that while still slightly covering my cervix it's not to the point that I would have to have a C-section for fear of internal bleeding. Third I already mentioned but Aiden has managed to turn head down (Not the worlds most comfortable thing) which mean's he's exactly the way he needs to be for a healthy natural delivery.

However we did get some not so great news, because we haven't seen Aiden's stomach bubble on any of the ultrasounds it's likely that he either doesn't have a connection between his oesophagus and stomach or he has something blocking his oesophagus causing him to to have a swallowing problem. The swallowing problem is causing him to create more amniotic fluid then normal. At our last last appt we were on the high side of normal for amniotic fluid, but still within the normal limit's. At this appt we were slightly above the normal limit which mean's that it's increased in the last three weeks. The doctor said that having a higher than normal amniotic fluid is slightly dangerous for mother and baby and there are a few things that we can do. First is nothing leave everything alone and when I go into labor I go into labor. The down side is that I will probably go into labor around 36 weeks and there is a chance that when my water breaks the umbilical cord could wash out with the fluid and Aiden could die instantly because of it being kinked meaning I would need C-section immediately. Another scenario would be the placenta pulling away from the wall of the uterus causing bleeding meaning I would need a c-section immediately. Second is to do another amniocentesis this time to remove access fluid. Down side is it's extremely uncomfortable and if I have a contraction during the procedure extremely painful. Also there is always a chance that the needle could rupture the amniotic sac meaning I would need C-section immediately. - As of now their not concerned about any of those things as my levels are just barely above the normal range, however if they continue to rise it will be an issue.

All the way around we're very happy Aiden is growing and we both seem to be doing very well. We just have to pray just like everything else that God moves thing's in the direction that he deems fit. It's all in God's hand's and we pray that it's not a decision that we or anyone else has to make, that we never come to that bridge. Just as we pray that we never have to chose c-section v.s. natural, we pray we never have to chose how to deal with the access amniotic fluid.

Much love

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Lately I've gotten so stressed with a million and two things. I swear every time I start to relax and look forward to a day of just sitting at home with my husband and relaxing watching shows and movie's and not doing anything but spend time together, something comes up. Now don't get me wrong most of it is wonderful stuff like kids birthday parties, but there have been a few times where some how we get mixed up in the middle of someones epic mess and have to spend the weekend cleaning up/stressing over their mess. Now toss in not sleeping very well because your simply uncomfortable and have trouble getting comfortable, work being come and go (Working till 8 almost every night one week then only getting scheduled 2 days the next and finding out it's gonna happen again in 2 weeks, getting screwed on your days off even though you have seniority, getting harassed because it's a pain in the ass that you have so many doctors appt's, which if they'd leave your days off alone there wouldn't be a conflict), getting medical bill's at least bi-weekly because our insurance isn't capable of processing claims correctly so I have to audit everything they do and call to get it resolved, finding out some of those bill's are actually owed because even though the insurance told us it wouldn't be that way it is, realizing that that little mistake is going to cost you about $700 just for visits you've already had and the doctor still wants you to see that specialist till you deliver, realizing that insurance told you the wrong thing about hospital cost's for delivery as well so instead of being $500 it's going to be $1000, then add in being asked to start making arrangements ahead of time for if Aiden doesn't make it so the hospital can call the mortuary when the time is right, realizing how expensive those arrangements are going to be, at the exact same time planning a baby shower, being itchy as hell because amazingly you've been pre-destined to have the worst pregnancy ever imagined and have developed PUPPS which gives you a lovely rash covering 2/3 of your body and will stay and possibly get worse until you deliver, then toss in that every time you see a doctor they stress to you to look for sign's of pre-term labor and pre-clampsia because you could go into labor any time, then you start getting head aches every day (the leading sign of pre-clampsia causing pre-term labor), Oh and because your so wrapped up in being so stressed about all of this not remembering when the last time you felt Aiden move so stressing because he hasn't moved in a while, then add in people giving you absolutely ridiculously bad advice when you try to vent because either they really have no clue how bad their advice is or weren't really sure what to say, stressing because if that's the advice they give how big of a mess have they gotten themselves into that at some point your going to have to help them with, then being mad at yourself for having not signed up for the classes you swore you were going to start this fall because for some insane reason you think you need more on your plate right now, All the while getting upset at yourself for being to stressed because you know it's not good for Aiden, so basically your stressed about being stressed because it's not good for the baby and how horrible of a mother you are because you can't seem to make it all stop, thinking " if this is what pregnancy is like for me, do I really want to do this ever again?", then realizing that honestly I love being pregnant it's just all this other crap that's ruined it and who's to say it all happens again next time, oh and then throw in thinking that I probably wouldn't mind being this stressed about all of this if things were going to have a different out come, if I was going to be leaving the hospital with a healthy baby it'd be much easier not to get so worked up, then feeling horrible for thinking that way. - Yep this is just all the thing's I'm stressed about that came up in 1 minute of thinking about what I'm stressed about. Trust me if I really sat and thought about it there's much much more. -How the heck we're going to afford Christmas, -Screw Christmas how are we going to pay our bill's while I'm off, -Can we really commit ourselves to anything in the next month and half, -What will happen next, -If I'd gotten off my butt and gone to school sooner we wouldn't have to worry about all these medical bills or time off, we'd be much better off financially. - I could go on and on all day I'm sure!

Well not to worry the doctor says that the head aches (migraines actually) are most likely just because I'm so stressed about everything in the world, and possibly from dehydration a little bit as well, but mostly stress. So I'm doing the very best I can possibly do not to let things faze me anymore because if I keep going the way I am, I'm going to cause myself to go into pre-term labor from being so stressed. Ultimately my plan is to ignore the things that stress me out and have faith that it's all in God's hands and he knows what he's doing, God will provide for us. I just need to "Be still and know that I am God", before I cause myself to go into labor or go insane.

Honestly sometimes I have to stop and reflect in how everything has changed in the last 3 months, how much Shawn and I have changed, how dreams we never realized we had were smashed, how from out of no where we came up with all the strength in the world, how our futures have changed forever all from one little boy, everything changed  and not just in our lives, but everyone around us. It's amazing that God would chose such a small little person to change everything, even more amazing that somehow HE has given us the privilege of saying that we're his parents.

This has been a word from your very loving, insanely stressed out but trying not to be, pregnant person.
Have a wonderful day! LOL

Friday, September 10, 2010

I think you should know

Lately Shawn and I have been debating whether or not to have a baby shower. It's making me insane with anxiety because I wasn't planning on it. I was just not going to have one and hope that no one noticed. Sadly you have all noticed and started asking about it. We still haven't made a decision and may decide to or may decide not to, but I feel compelled to share what I'm feeling in regard to it so that you can all understand why it's such a hard decision for me.

Most baby showers are spent giving gift's like onsie's, diapers, highchair's, strollers, baby care items, eating food and talking about the parents hopes and dream's for the child soon to be born. For Aiden while Shawn and I are so hopeful that he would use all of those things, we have to admit that there is a very good chance that he will never come home. All of those items would be set into his nursery and we would close the door until we had another child, and then we would have to let go and say those items weren't just for Aiden, it's not bad for another child to use them. All that talk of hopes and dreams for the child soon to be born is talking about hoping that he's with us longer then a day. Hoping that he's born alive and we each get to hold him and love on him before he goes to be with Jesus. - As you can see this is very painful to think about, and for me is the last thing I'd want to spend an afternoon doing. Also please understand that not only do we cry over those gifts when their given, but we spend hours afterwards being upset because we know that he most likely wont ever use them.

You're all aware that Shawn and I decided that we were going to Cherish every moment that we have with him, because we understand that he may not be here long, I don't want to spend an entire afternoon crying over something that hasn't happened yet. I know that it is going to happen (we all go to be with Jesus at some point, Aiden will most likely go sooner then any of us), but it hasn't yet so there's no need for tears now.

I also look at it from the point of view that you keep asking about it because you want to be involved, you want to Cherish him to. You want to be there for us and show us that you love him too, and we want you to to be there and show your love. It's just hard because so much of the time questions are asked or things are said that while not meant in a hurtful way, they cut like glass. Honestly Shawn and I have become recluses lately because it's so hard to see people, we have to wonder if they know, how much do they know or understand and then brace ourselves to hear "I'm so sorry, you can always have more kids after this". Or even better there are the people who don't say anything even to the point of ignoring that I'm pregnant, like if they don't acknowledge Aiden it never happened.  Please understand that Shawn and I completely understand all of this, we've been on the other side, you don't know what to say, it hurts you to, you don't understand why or how this could be happening, you feel like you need to do something to help. But having been on both sides, please understand that you can address Aiden ask how Mr. Aiden is doing today without asking about his diagnoses or what the doctors are saying, you can come rub my belly tell Aiden that you love him, talk to me about how active he is or how I'm feeling without making it negative. Don't feel like you have to ask about his diagnoses, if Shawn or I want to talk about it we'll bring it up, on the same hand don't think that because we don't bring it up it's something against you, it's just painful very painful we don't talk about the future very much because it's the present not the future. Sometimes it's honestly easier for us to be around people who don't know because they address the situation so much differently then other people do, instead of asking about his diagnoses or any of that, they ask if they can rub my belly, if he's kicking, if they could feel him kick, when he's due, what his name is. Their so excited, it almost makes it easier.

I very much want people to participate and love Aiden as much as Shawn and I do, but I'm also very guarded with Shawn, Aiden and myself. I think that if you're going to be a  part of any of our lives it needs to be positive, we don't need any help being depressed but we do need people being positive with us. We need people to remember that Aiden is a person, our little person and we love him with all of our hearts he's our son and could never be replaced, we only wish that everyone could see him the way we do. He's such an amazing little man, such a blessing, such a wonderful thing, truly a gift from God.  Just imagine how you acted before you ever knew that Aiden was sick, you were excited and happy for us and him. Try to find that excitement again, it's to easy to dwell on how hard this situation is, but it's also easy to remember that there's still an amazing little boy growing in my belly.

I guess what I'm asking is whether we decide to have a baby shower or not, please know that we want you to be here and we very much appreciate all of your support and love for all of us. Please know that while sometimes things are said or done that hurt us un-intentionally, we don't hold it against you even if we're angry at that moment, we do understand and forgive because unless you've gone through this you'd never understand, and we hope and pray that none of you ever get the chance to understand. I'm asking that you not be afraid to talk to us, that you remember how happy you were before you knew he was sick and keep that excitement when you think or talk about him. Try to remember that nothing has happened yet, for now Aiden is here with all of us, there's no need for tears or I'm sorry's he's still with us, let's show him how much we love him and how happy and blessed we are that he's come to be with us.

We love you all, and hope that no one takes offense to anything I say. I told you from the start that I was going to be brutally honest and not hold back because I want to be honest with all of you, I want you to understand as best you can and the only way for that to happen is for us to be honest.

As an update, today Aiden has been very wiggly and is currently telling me it's food time LOL! We have a doctors appointment this afternoon to check his heart beat and test me for pregnancy related diabetes. We're hoping that the test comes back negative but, are told that even if it doesn't it's not a big deal just a change in eating habits for the remainder of the pregnancy. We've also found out recently that the rash that I started to get while in California that I thought was just from an allergic reaction, is most likely PUPPS a pregnancy related rash that I guess is fairly common, unfortunately it means I will probably have the rash on my belly until after Aiden is born. I guess it has to do with the way my body is reacting to certain pregnancy hormones. We also have a doctors appointment on Monday with Swedish for an ultrasound, I'm kinda nervous because we're going to the hospital not the Perinatal Center so again it's all new staff and I'm afraid of the things that they may say that would be hurtful. Over all though we're excited, we get to hear Aiden's heart this afternoon then on Monday we get to see him which is always a treat! I love every peek we get into his little world!

Much love,
Jessie M

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Aiden's Turtle

Our trip to California was wonderful, we loved getting to see Pat and Michelle and are so excited that Michelle is officially a member of our family! We had a great time catching up with my grandparents and going to the beach. Aiden really enjoyed his first visit to California. Pat and Michelle's wedding was absolutely beautiful I couldn't have imagined a better wedding!

On our last day in California we went to lunch with my mom, brother and new sister in law. At lunch and brother and sister in law gave us a gift for Aiden, that we have become permanently attached to. They gave us a little stuffed sea turtle that Shawn and I have deemed Aidens turtle. Every time we got in the car and we could sit down after that, Aiden's turtle sat on my belly next to Aiden or in Shawn or I's hands. We now have Aiden's turtle with us everywhere we go in the house and sleep with him next to Aiden every night.. Even our cat's are aware of how important the turtle is, they like to rub faces with it and unlike everything else on the bed, they leave the turtle alone except to rub faces.

During our trip I came to the realization that a lot of what I was so excited about going to California for was that in my mind everything was some how perfect there. All of my family was there, the ocean was there, and somehow in my mind Aiden wasn't sick there. Half way through our trip I realized that sadly while the other parts of my fantasy were true, the last part was not. Even if we stayed there forever things wouldn't change it wouldn't make a difference. The same thing would happen there as it did here, it'd just happen in California not Colorado.

Another thing that I've become way to attached to is the idea of having bracelets with his name on them. While we were tourist shopping we noticed that one of the stores sold those rubber bracelets with names on them. Sadly they didn't have Aiden, so as soon as we got home I went online and ordered custom ones for Shawn and I that have his full name on them. I've decided that once he's born we'll order more with his name and date of birth on them, I figure if everyone pitches in we can get enough for all of our friends and family to have one. Something to remember Aiden with, something to remind everyone that our beautiful little boy was here. Maybe we could bring more attention to his condition, maybe make more people aware that this could happen to anyone, that more research is needed to help prevent or treat this.

After coming to my realization on the trip, I started to think again about things that have been said. Things like we'll need to start thinking about how we want for things to go once we get to the hospital, start to pack the hospital bag and make sure that everything we want there is in the bag. This was possibly the saddest thing to think about. Normally when people think about packing their hospital bag, it's not imperative that they make sure that everything they deem important for the baby makes it in the bag, they could always send someone to get whatever they forgot. Or they normally get to pick out a few of their favorite outfits to bring with them to the hospital, how are we supposed to pick just one. Just one outfit that he'll wear, the one outfit we'll ever actually get to see him in. We bought lot's of outfits for him before we knew what was going to happen, outfits we both really liked Or what about the outfits that other people have given us, the monkey onsie, or happy turtle onsie from Pat and Michelle. But now we have to pick just one, have to make sure that the blanket we bought the first week we knew we were pregnant is there, that the photo frame with clay insert for hand prints is there, that Aidens turtle is there. That all of the people that we love are there because this is their only chance to see our son, if they aren't there they'll miss it, they'll miss him.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Aidens Update

Hello all, just wanted to give a quick update to let you know that Mondays appointment at the Perinatal Resource Center and today's appointment at Columbine Womens Care went well. Little Aiden is doing good growing and moving all over the place.

Unfortunately Dr. Franco is no longer with Columbine Womens Care (I wasn't very happy about that) and has not yet joined another practice. They have replaced him with Dr. Peters and she is very nice, Aiden gave her a run for her money when she was trying to listen to his heart beat today but he's getting big enough that mom can tell where he moved to so she did get to listen to is a little.

Condition wise, Aidens looking the same not much has changed. They still weren't able to see a stomach bubble at this last appointment but we're hopeful it has to do with the fact that he wasn't going to let them see much of anything (He was not in the mood for pictures on Monday). My placenta is still considered a marginal previa so unless it moves in the next 6 weeks I will be delivering via C-section. We're all praying for Aiden and I's sake that the placenta moves and we're able to deliver him naturally but it's all in God's hands.

Pregnancy wise I'm doing great! Exhausted but great no red flags the Dr.'s had warned us before that sometimes with babies with T18 preterm labor and delivery are an issue, but so far I'm not showing any warning signs. And thank goodness I think I'm finally getting over this cough so Aiden and I will both be very happy once that's gone! And we've been cleared to fly by both Dr. 's so as California here we come!!!

I'll be happy to update again once we get back from Cali!

Much love,

Thursday, August 12, 2010

How has God been faithful to you?

On Sunday our pastor preached about God always being faithful, and asked all of us to meditate on how God has been faithful to each one of us. God has been so faithful to our family, there have been many times when the unthinkable has happened in either Shawn or I's life and somehow we've made it through and each time a little better of a person because of the struggle.

God has been so faithful in bringing us Aiden, I've said many times before that there are a million and two reason's God gave us him, but in being asked how God has been faithful to me it made me think of a few great examples. According to many doctors I wasn't supposed to be able to have children, if I were able to get pregnant at all I would miscarry and would never make it into the third trimester. - Saturday marks the start of my third trimester with Aiden. Before finding out about Aiden's diagnosis, Shawn and I's relationship had taken a turn for the worst, we had been fighting non stop threatening divorce and plain and simple were not happy in our marriage. Both of us are open about admitting that things were not going well, there would be days that we wouldn't speak to each other without screaming. - After finding out Aidens diagnosis most couples marriage would be in jeopardy just because of the emotional strain of facing a fatal diagnosis for your child and making decisions about how to proceed. God saw this as the perfect opportunity to show/remind Shawn and I why we were together in the first place. Instead of pushing us apart, Aiden brought us back together and made us realize that all of the things that we would fuss and fight over were trivial and completely fixable through better communication with each other (Something we hadn't had in a long time).

God is completely faithful to all of us, sometimes we don't make time to take note of how faithful he has been. I think we all need a little reminder to think about how God has been faithful. HE is truly amazing and is the one thing you can always count on, HE is faithful! Take a moment today to think about how God has been faithful to you, and thank him for all of the blessing's that he's given you and your family.

Much love

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Saturday Mornings

Saturday mornings are every ones favorite in this house hold, we're all home together! The kittens are running circles around each other, Aidens doing flips in my belly, Shawn's drinking a very tall glass of coffee, and I'm drinking some chocolate milk.

Kittens and Aiden are usually the first to wake up, Shadow and Missy normally decide about 6am that it's time to play and shortly after I think Aiden wants to join in. Shawn and I are sleeping (or at least trying) as Missy and Shadow play fight and chase each other all around our bedroom, jumping on and off the bed and sometimes on mommy's head, then onto each other. Aiden starts the morning sleeping with his head on the right side of mommy's tummy and his feet at the left, usually after the second time Shadow jumps on mommy's legs Aiden's done a complete flip and has his feet at the other side (If those aren't his feet then he's learned how to punch pretty hard!). By the time Missy miscalculates her jump off of the bed and onto Shadows head (Yes this happens pretty much every time, I think she's like me and has no depth perception) and has made an interesting "Humph" noise as she lands on the ground instead, Aiden decides that his flip flop didn't wake up mommy so it's time for another. This time he gets his feet pointing straight down and kicks right onto mommy's bladder, TA-DA! mommy's awake and running to the bathroom before she pees her pants! If daddy can sleep through all of this, mommy opens the door and tells the kittens it's time to go down stairs, at which point Shadow always meow's as loud as he can and mommy shuts the door to the bed room so daddy doesn't wake up. I should note my attempts not to have Shadow wake him are pretty useless when he runs back upstairs a few minutes later and meow's and scratches at the door til daddy gets out of bed.

Once everyone is officially awake the real rumpus starts, now the kittens have the whole house to tear apart and they take full advantage, jumping onto and off of couches, crawling under tables or for Missy carpets (for some reason she thinks she's hiding it's pretty cute!).  Daddy makes his monster glass of coffee, mommy gets kittens their Saturday morning treat of "kitten milk" (Its a milk substitute for cats that's not hard on their digestion like milk), and then gets her glass of chocolate milk. Mommy normally makes bagels and we all sit on the couch together and watch some T.V. (Shadow and Missy lose interest pretty fast and are off to explore the house).

Usually by about 10-10:30 everyone has relaxed, the kitten's have settled into the basement windows for some bird and bee watching, Aiden's calmed down with the flips and is now stretching and getting comfortable, and mommy and daddy are discussing what their going to do that day as their putting everything from breakfast away and getting ready for showers.

Shower time is Shadow's favorite, he'll drop everything (even if there's another cat outside that he's mocking) and ran upstairs to the bathroom to "Help" us get ready. Shadow "Helping" us get ready is hilarious, he'll stand just outside the shower and attack the water dripping down the shower door, and once your done and the water's been turned off he goes in and investigates! Normally while Shadow's doing this Missy is "hiding" underneath the little carpet outside the bathroom (We have a little carpet covering up a bleach stain on the carpet that's been there since we bought the house, Missy thinks this is her hiding spot).

The end of Saturday mornings is kind of bitter sweet, your excited to get ready and go do things, but it's so peaceful and perfect right there on the couch.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The good, the bad, and the angry

I've noticed ever since Aiden's diagnosis our days are kinda broken up into three categories, the good days, the bad days, and the angry days.

The good days:
Good days for Shawn normally start at about 5am or so waking up to his alarm and Shadow waiting at the bathroom door to "help" daddy get ready (Anything to do with the bathroom is Shadows favorite part of the day, he'd sit in there all day if we let him). For me they usually starts at about 6:25am right before my alarm goes off, normally I wake up all on my own to Aidens kicks and an empty stomach. Shadow meows and scratches at the bathroom door and "helps" mommy get ready. On good days Aiden stays active for a good part of the day, he kicks anytime mommy starts to feel sad. He knows better then anyone exactly what mommy is thinking and he knows how to make her smile. On good days there will be random moments during the day that I stop and smile because my little one is making his presence known.
Good days are usually days that we only cry maybe 1-3 times, days when even though the storm is raging on around us some how God has calmed his children. Good days are the best because things seem ok in the world, you can say Aidens diagnosis without dieing inside. Good days are the easiest because you know that God is with you, that HE is working in every situation that everything is in HIS hands. He wont let you fall, God loves his children and isn't trying to hurt them. You know that God created Aiden and gave him to us because HE knew we could see Aiden as the miracle and blessing that he is.

The bad days:
Bad days can start a couple of ways usually it starts with the alarm going off and the first thought through you head is "My son's going to die and there's nothing I can do to save him". Or my personal favorite is having dreams, those can go a few ways too. The first is that you dream that Aiden is born and is perfectly healthy, the doctors were wrong there's nothing wrong with him. He grows up and we don't have to say goodbye to our beautiful son. Then you wake up to the reality that that's not how this is all going to play out, that Aiden is going to die and there's nothing any earthly being can do, and that maybe it's God's will that Aiden be called back up to Heaven. The second is that you dream about the day he's born also being the day you say good bye. Then you wake up only to realize this is most likely exactly how everything will play out. Your heart aches like an ache that's indescribable, you can feel it in every inch of your body, like nothing could ever be ok ever again. The third is that you dream that he's born and while things aren't great he makes it and is stable, he's able to come home and is doing well. Then you dream that after some time you decide it's time to go back to work and half way through your work day you get a call to let you know that he's gone to be with Jesus and you weren't there. Most of these dreams are then accompanied with waking up sobbing and begging/pleading with God to take this away to make it all better. You spend hours crying because there's nothing else you can do, just cry and pray.
For Shawn bad days only get worse because he goes to work and has an hour long car ride by himself to think about everything, then he gets to work where he mostly works alone and has all day to think...
For me bad days seem a like eternity because Aiden doesn't wake me up with his soft kicks in fact he doesn't move for a while. I normally spend the first 2 hours begging and pleading that he please just kick once to let mommy know he's still there (It never occurs to me on bad days that maybe the reason that he's not moving is he's sleeping, he was up with mommy at 2:30am trying to comfort her kicking as hard as he could to tell her that she can stop crying, he's still here now). Then it never fails that I either get a patient who wants to talk about how they lost a child and never got over it, or one that's very curious about my pregnancy and my little Aiden. How could I ever say to either "Can we please change the subject, my son is going to die in the very near future and I'm already dieing inside?".
Bad days make the world seem so grey, its hard to keep moving forward it's almost as though everyone and everything is out to get you. Bad days are normally the worst just because your a mess, you can't hold it together all you can think about all day is what is about to happen and how you have no control over it.

The angry days:
Angry days are my least favorite because they show up so unannounced, and they leave the worst taste in your mouth. Angry days can start a multitude of ways, they can be good days that turned angry when someone said the wrong thing, you saw something that made your blood boil, they can be bad days that just get the best of your anger, or simply you wake up mad.
Angry days are the days that you hate the world and everyone in it, what's the purpose why keep going, why can't you crawl into a hole and never come back out?
Now to understand an angry day, you'd have to understand why you'd be angry. It's not that your angry at God for this happening, in fact most angry days your not angry about Aiden your angry about all of the idiots in the world who have perfectly healthy children that they take for granted. Angry days are days when you could easily scream at someone to grow up and pay attention to the wonderful little blessing they've been given, you know the one their constantly pawning off on someone else, the one they never spend any time with. Angry days are when you see your friends and family complaining about trivial, completely fixable issues in their lives and you want to jump in and tell them to shut their mouths, that their incredibly blessed that that's the only thing that they have to worry about. You want to tell them all the ways you thought up in .5 seconds to fix their issues, yes some of them aren't easy changes but you can do something about it. Don't like your job, look for another. Don't like your roommate, find another one. Boyfriend/husband/whatever treats you like poop, screw them! you can make it all on your own. Angry days are when your in the store and there's a mother with her young kids down the isle, and an older couple closer to you. One of the mother's children starts to throw a fit and she's doing everything she can think of to get the child to calm down and be quite, and you hear the older women comment loudly "Just tell the child no for goodness sake!" You lose it! that poor mother has done everything she can to quite the screaming child and is now dragging them out of the store, she's embarrassed and doing everything she can, and here's this old lady who thinks she knows everything and passing judgement on her! You comment loudly as if to your spouse who has a face that shows he's just as upset and offended as you are,  "Wow that was rude! poor girl did everything she could to quite her child and some people have the audacity to think that somehow they could have handled it better!" then you go on to say still loudly "Have you ever tried to quite a 2 year old who's decided they've had enough? When telling them no, threatening time outs, telling them to be quite and that's enough in the angriest voice they've ever heard? Have you ever had to remove them from the situation, to drop everything and leave because you've done everything possible and their still screaming bloody murder? I bet you haven't other wise you wouldn't make such rude comments, you'd just ignore it like everyone else and save the poor mother some embarrassment!" still boiling you get into what really just makes you see red and comment even louder then any of your other comments "For all you know that child has special needs and sometimes there's nothing to be done about a tantrum other than try to contain it, then what your the a** hole who looked down on a mother for not being able to control her child with special needs, all because you don't understand her child!" Angry days are the days when you see a parent of a child with special needs going out of their way to make things easier, make things as normal as they can, then you see someone who simply doesn't understand giving them grief because their child is somehow disrupting that person's life. Angry days are when someone says something to you without thinking it through, you know in the bottom of your heart that they meant well, but they were so far off base you can't help but be angry. Angry days are when you see young kids making fun of a kid with special needs because their different, or they don't understand something, or get frustrated and throw a tantrum because they can't communicate what they want. All because no one ever took the time of day to explain to them why the other kid is different, to explain why they get so frustrated, no one bothered to stand up for this little kid. If someone would take just a few minutes to explain it to them, to tell them how they could help, they'd understand children are much more caring, loving and understanding then anyone ever gives them credit. Angry days stem from people not understanding and being afraid of whatever it is because they don't understand it. Normally angry days are the hardest to deal with because you spend much of the day so consumed with rage at everyone and everything, then spend the evening/night apologizing to God and asking for forgiveness for having let the Devil whisper evil thoughts into your ear, for having lost your temper so many times.
Angry days for me usually involve people taking what they have for granted, and children. I have an especially soft spot in my heart for children and my blood boils when I feel that their being mistreated, neglected, or taken for granted. My soft spot for children with special needs is even bigger and normally where my anger becomes uncontrollable. People don't understand children with special needs, their afraid of them, avoid them like the plague. Little do they know that children with special needs are just children of God that he loved so much that he never wanted them to grow up and lose their childlike faith, they often go back to the father before others because he can't stand to be away from them any longer. Children with special needs are often viewed as something to be ashamed of, or to pity but honestly their the greatest gift in the entire world. Their are a million lessons to be learned from them, loving unconditionally, over coming judgement, and patience lots and lots of patience, these are just what comes to mind right off the bat, but there are so many more.

At some point in any type of day you come to a point where your emotionally numb, you can't feel anything anymore simply because it's too much.

Then at the end of the day we come home and hug, everything comes rushing back but in a good way a healing way. When we're together as a family, Shawn, Aiden, Shadow, Missy, and I the world is right again, we can do anything together.  My little family all of my own means the world to me, my husband is my back bone when I'm to weak to stand, Aiden gives me strength to do and face things I never thought I could, Shadow and Missy are great listeners they hear it all and don't judge, all of them are there to catch me when I feel like I'm going to fall, they reassure me that God is faithful.  Our love for God and each other is honestly what keeps us going each day, it makes everything wonderful again.

I have so many blogs swimming around in my head, I'm sure that it will take me time to write them all down, but I'm trying to be painfully honest and open with everyone even if it hurts them or me. Not because I want to be harsh or mean, I just want for people to be understanding of our situation and know that even though we're going through this storm we're sharing because we love you all. We are so grateful for all of your love, support, and prayers for our family, it means more to us then you will ever know. We're sharing because we want for you to be a part of our family and Aidens legacy.

Much love,

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


Thursday March 18th was the first day that I started to see a little pink on my home pregnancy tests. It was so faint I thought that maybe it was just an evaporation line from letting the test sit out for to long before looking at the results. Friday March 19th the line was slightly more apparent, I took the test to work and pulled aside one of my co-workers Kristina and asked her if she saw it. She did but was sceptical it was there but almost not at the same time, it was pink but also gray. Insisting that the line was there and real on my lunch I ran to the store and bought another test and peed right then and there. The test was a different brand, and maybe not as sensitive as the other test I had used but I swore I could still see the faintest of lines. Kristina saw nothing on that test, she suggested that I wait a day and take another. Saturday March 20th I didn't wake up and pee on a stick (POAS for those of you who are addicts like me) like I had every other morning and was now accustomed. I was trying to hold out to take Kristina's advice. Shawn was taking measurements on the bathroom so he could buy supplies to finish the remodel and I was bored. I held out till about 1pm when I couldn't take it anymore I had to POAS just to see. There it was!!! no question it was pink and it was there! I screamed I couldn't help myself I ran to the other bathroom and told Shawn he needed to look at this! Everything I had planned about not telling him til I had gone to the doctor to confirm it was going to last, the letter I had drafted it was all out the window the second I saw that pink line. Shawn took one look at the test and asked "Does that mean your pregnant?!?!?" I squeaked yes! His exact words were "Crap I gotta go finish the bathroom so I can start a nursery!" and just like that he was gone, into the bathroom working like a mad man.

At first we weren't going to tell anyone until we had seen the doctor to confirm that the baby was going to make it this time. Honestly I think Shawn was still in complete disbelief, how could that little pink line mean we were having a baby? We had a friends birthday party to go to that night, at a bar of all places. All of my friends noticed that I wasn't drinking, I just tried to play it off that I just had a stomach ache. My brother called about half way through the night to ask me how everything was, I could tell something was up because he was prying trying to get at something. He right out asked "Are you pregnant", I responded "I can't comment on that subject at this time" and tried to get off the subject, but he kept pushing finally I gave in and told him yes. Excited he said "good because we think my girl friend might be!" That was the most exciting night, I was pregnant and going to be a mom in November and then I would be an auntie shortly after. My brother asked me not to say anything since she hadn't taken a test yet because it was to soon, but that in a week when she did he would let me know.

Sunday March 21st. I woke up with such joy, hope, and excitement! I felt more alive then I had in a long time, alive but exhausted! Shawn still had doubts he kept saying not to get so excited because of what had happened before. I couldn't help it I POAS again and the line was darker, he was still hesitant. After church we went to target and I bought a digital pregnancy test. After peeing on it I thrust it at him and said " See I'm Pregnant!" He took the test and sure enough the little screen said PREGNANT. He called his boss and said that he wasn't going to be in tomorrow, he had a doctors appointment he needed to go with me to.  After reading the results of the digital test Shawn decided that maybe we should tell his mom so she could be privy to our little secret. We brought her outside to talk about the motor home or so she thought. We gave her the news and shortly after Shawn's youngest sister came outside and asked what we were talking about. Shawn was holding the air filter to the motor home so all at once we said the air filter! She gave us a look like we were insane and walked back inside.

Monday March 22nd I started looking online for an OB's office close to our house. I wanted to get in ASAP to make sure that if something was wrong we could possibly prevent me losing this baby. We found Columbine Women's Care completely by chance, they were the second office I called off of our insurance website. They got us in that morning, they did an in office pregnancy test and took blood to confirm HCG and Progesterone levels. They told us that I was approximately 3 weeks pregnant based on when my last period was. They told us that they would have me back on Wednesday to have another blood test to make sure that the HGC levels and Progesterone levels were rising. After the appointment we decided to go out to lunch to celebrate we invited Shawn's mom and we had a secret lunch to discuss the "Air filter". At lunch the waiter came around and offered us house wine Shawn's mom ordered a glass, Shawn ordered a glass, and I got to say no thank you I'm Pregnant! The waiter congratulated us and asked when we were expecting. This became my favorite question in the world, because my answer was "We're expecting out first little one on November 28th!"

Later that day the test results came back my numbers looked great, on Wednesday my numbers had more than doubled. The next step was an ultrasound at about 7-8 weeks.

A week later my brother sent me a text, a picture of the test. His girlfriend Michelle is Pregnant!!!!! We were all so excited we were all going to be mommy's and daddy's and the same time as becoming aunties and uncles!

Easter Sunday we decided to tell our friends and family, we were so excited we couldn't keep it to ourselves any longer!

Tuesday April 16th was our first ultrasound the first thing was saw was his little heart beating. It was amazing it was right there flashing, he didn't look like a baby yet but there was his little heart beating away. The ultrasound technician tried to tell us that maybe our dates for when he was conceived were wrong because he was measuring slightly behind. Worried we told her that there was no way we wouldn't have gotten the positive test when we did and wouldn't have been seen in the office when we were. We were already upset, the ultrasound technician hadn't turned up the volume on the ultrasound machine so while we got to see his heart beating, we never got to hear it. The nurse practitioner came in and told us that we shouldn't be alarmed, but our dates were right but that sometimes at this stage they grow a little different. She told us that she would have me back in two weeks to do another ultrasound just to show me that he had grown.

Monday April 26th I went to the ultrasound by myself, the second the ultrasound hit my belly I could hear this little freight train of a heart beat. It was the best sound I've ever heard in my entire life. Sure enough he had grown now he measured right on track with were he should be. The nurse practitioner informed me that most likely at my next appointment the doctor would only listen to the babies heart beat and check to make sure that my uterus was growing. I was so excited my little one was there and alive! Kate asked if Shawn and I had discussed if we were going to have the optional 16 week ulrascreen to check for possible chromosomal defects. I let her know that we hadn't really discussed it, she said they needed to know soon because those appointments took a little longer with the ultrasound technician and those times go fast since she was only in office one day a week. Kate said she would call on Wednesday to follow up and see what we decided.

When I got home Shawn talked it over and decided we didn't want to know. If there was something wrong with our child we would love them just the same. We didn't (and still don't) think that abortion is an option. God doesn't make mistakes every life has a purpose and only God should be able to chose when someone lives and when they die. It's not for man to decide. We informed Kate of our decision and she was very supportive.

Monday May 24th I finally met Dr. Franco! Unfortunately Shawn wasn't able to attend the appointment because of his work schedule so I asked my best friend Lisa to come with me. Dr. Franco is quite possibly the nicest doctor I've ever met, after this appointment I knew that God had sent me to his office for a reason. He listened to the little ones heart beat, at first he couldn't find it (Little one was sitting low) I had a minute to panic, then there it was, my little freight train. Lisa was amazed she agreed it was the best sound she had ever heard. He measured my uterus growth and answered all of my questions (I swear you have a million questions at those appointments, having Lisa there was my saving grace because after hearing the little ones heart beat I couldn't think of anything else).Then he asked why Shawn and I had chosen not to have the ultra screen done. Quite defensively I informed him that it wasn't right for us because we did not believe in abortion, it wouldn't change anything we would do with our little one and only taint the rest of the pregnancy. We wanted this to be a happy time, not a sad one. Dr. Franco informed me and Lisa that I had misunderstood, he was a Christian man he did not do abortions in his office he did not believe in them either, if his patients made that choice they would have to see someone else.  I knew right then that this was the doctor that I should have been going to all my life. I had wasted so many years seeing doctors who only saw the clinical medical side of things, and here was this perfect doctor who saw God's purpose in life. Dr. Franco told me that my pregnancy was considered low risk, I could go to the mountains or fly on planes if I wanted. I was so excited low risk meant normal my little one was normal!

The first weekend in June my brother Patrick and his girlfriend Michelle came out to visit. It was a great weekend, we went to the zoo, a wedding, we had an amazing weekend! We talked about how we were going to raise our children and how exciting it was that we were both expecting. We looked at Babies 'R Us and talked about which stroller we wanted, which pack'N play. It was an amazing weekend, I wish they never had to leave.

Friday June 11th I felt the strangest thing, it kinda felt like popcorn in my tummy. I googled what quickening was supposed to feel like and that was the best description. Excited I told Shawn and his mom that I had felt the little one move for the first time!

Monday June 14th Shawn and I had decided that he wouldn't take time off of work for my appointments unless it was an ultrasound, so I went to my appointment by myself. Things in the OB office had kinda gotten into a rhythm, you go in pee in a cup so they can test for protein in your urine/make sure your getting enough water, they get your weight, take your blood pressure, then you wait for the doctor or nurse practitioner (each visit you would alternate). When Kate came in she looked for little ones heart beat, I informed her that at my last appointment he had been sitting kinda lower then Dr. Franco had expected. After about 15 mins searching for his heart beat Kate said calmly we're going to go over to the ultrasound room, my heart sank I thought he was gone. As soon as the wand touched my belly there it was the little freight train, you know what he was doing, he was moving like crazy! He gave me a heart attack! I told Kate that he was grounded for the first time in his life, so ice cream today! She laughed and said he was doing just fine.

Friday June 25th after eating dinner at Shawn's grandparents house, we got up and Shawn's grandma was showing us her garden. Little one started moving harder then he ever had, I grabbed Shawn's hand and held it be my belly. He asked if that was the baby, I said yes! I might also mention that I grabbed his mom's and youngest sisters hands right after that. I wanted everyone to feel the miracle that is my little one.

Sunday July 4th as a family we had decided to go to Idaho Springs for the fireworks, the day was not going well just about everyone had had a moment of bad attitude and we were struggling to get along and agree on things. We went to Safeway to...well now I don't remember why we went there, we were walking down the baking isle, I was wearing flip flops and didn't notice a small puddle of water. I slipped and started to fall forward straight onto my belly. Thankfully I caught myself no damage was done, the only thing that hit the ground was my hand and possibly my butt, but things did not feel right. I had pain on the right side. Trying to stay calm I got up as quickly as possible. Shawn's dad asked if I was ok and needed to go to the hospital because he knew that it's never good when a pregnant woman falls it can jawsel things. I insisted that I was fine we were going to stay there and watch fireworks as a family.  The pain didn't go away, I sat in the car for a few hours not moving, I tried laying down. I would have done anything for it to go away. Finally I called my OB's office to ask what they recommended I do, of coarse I got their answering service who informed me that the on call doctor should call me within 30 mins. After an hour of waiting for a call back from the on call doctor I called them again to ask what was going on. They informed me that they would page again. A minute later a got the call that said that I should go to the emergency room, that most likely everything was fine, but just to be sure I should be checked out. By this time it had begun to poor rain outside so we were all huddled in Shawn's mom's mini van waiting for the rain to stop. I guess before that moment I had never considered how far away emergency rooms were from where I was, it never occurred to me that the closet one was 30 mins away in good highway traffic. After looking for hospitals near by Shawn and I decided we would wait keep hoping the pain would go away (Please understand, I felt that something was wrong but not anything that could be fixed by ruining our family time and spending the night in traffic on the highway only to get to a hospital to be told it's only a pulled muscle). The night continued on my mom and step dad got there and I told them what happened, tearfully I told them that I didn't think I needed to go to the emergency room I just needed to stay warm and eat something. My mom understood and comforted me she said it was ok for me to be scared most mom's are always scared for their children. We continued on, we made burgers over a charcoal grill my parents brought, Shawn's mom brought soda's for everyone, and we waited for the rain to stop. Right before firework time the rain cleared up, the show began and the whole time I sat with Shawn's hand on my belly feeling our little one squirm every time there was a loud bang. After fireworks we were all going to head back to our camp site (Just a side note, camping while pregnant may not be the best idea), by that time it had gotten pretty cold outside and the pain seemed worse. Shawn and I decided it would be best if we headed home for the night, the rest of the family could stay and they would pack up our tent and thing and bring them to us tomorrow.  That was the worse nights sleep I think I have ever gotten.

Monday July 5th My stomach still hurt, it almost seemed like the pain wasn't getting any better, and that feeling that something was not right wasn't going away. At 10:30 I decided that I was going to go to the new Swedish littleton branch they had built just down the street. I told Shawn he could wait for me that I was sure it was just a pulled muscle and I'd be home soon, I just needed to see that our little one was ok. When I got to the emergency room it turned into a hurry up and wait situation. They got me back quickly, but then I waited for an hour for the ultrasound technician. They discussed that most likely everything was fine but that they were concerned about where the pain was and that Tylenol wasn't making it any better. Once the ultrasound technician got there they rushed me in and she did the scan, little one was just fine, heart beating at a great pace, and wiggling around. After the ultrasound the doctor mentioned that during the ultrasound they noticed that the little one was measuring 3 weeks behind but since I was seeing my OB tomorrow we could speak with them about that, they also noticed that my uterus was contracting which can be normal at that stage of pregnancy but maybe playing a part in the pain. They called my doctor to update them on what had been done already. They as well had an hour and a half wait for the on call doctor to call them back. During that time I was finally aloud to call Shawn who was at home and getting worried since he hadn't heard from me in hours and I was still there. I let him know that they had just gotten a hold of the on call doctor and that they were now concerned that the pain didn't have anything to do with the little one and was coming from my appendix. They were trying to send me to the main hospital for an MRI to make sure it didn't need to be removed. Shawn got to the hospital at about 2 in the afternoon. Neither of us had eaten all day and we asked the nurse if we could have something to eat. The nurse informed us that I wasn't allowed to eat anything until after the MRI in case they needed to operate, but that Shawn was welcome to go get food and come back. My mother arrived about a half hour after Shawn and brought him a protein bar, he was insistent that when this was over we would eat together. After an hour the nurse came back in to let us know that we would not be going to the main hospital because their MRI machine was down. They were in the process of calling other hospitals and as soon as they found one for us to go to they would let us know. An hour later they came back and sent us on our way to Sky Ridge Hospital, they had called in their MRI technician just for me and would be waiting for us. Once we got to Sky Ridge we got to start the whole rigmarole over again, testing me pee taking blood yada yada yada, thankfully the other hospital had sent the information from the ultrasound with us so they didn't insist on doing that over as well. When the doctor came in they assured me that as soon as the MRI technician got there they would get things rolling, they gave me a sedative/pain killer to help with the pain since it had never stopped hurting. The MRI itself was quick and the technician was really nice, he gave us a copy of the MRI because there were some really neat pictures of the little one. Once it had been read the doctors determined that my appendix didn't show signs of needing to be removed immediately and that the pain was most likely from a pulled muscle that was being agitated by contractions.  By this time it was 7:30 at night, I hadn't eaten anything all day I was sedated, starving and my feeling of something not being right was still there.

Tuesday July 6th 19 week ultrasound the one everyone waits for. We were so excited and had planned with all of our friends and family that the way we would let them know was that if our cupcakes had pink frosting it was a girl, if it was blue it was a boy. Waiting for that ultrasound I was so nervous my heat could have beat outta my chest. When we got into that dimly lit warm room I tried to relax. The scan was going well, we found out it was most definitely a little boy and he was beautiful. The ultrasound technician started taking measurements and informed us that our dates must be wrong because he was measuring only 17-16weeks. After a very heated and emotional debate the ultrasound technician called in Kate my nurse practitioner who looked at the scan and asked to speak with the ultrasound technician outside. Then she brought us back out to the waiting room without a word, we waited for a few minutes then were brought back into a room to meet with Kate. She told us that in fact our dates were not wrong, that that would be impossible because of when we got our first positive pregnancy test. She informed us that she was sending us to a high risk pregnancy center to evaluate why the little boy would be growing behind. Nothing had been said to make us think he wasn't going to make it, yet I couldn't stop sobbing. My heart was shattered I knew that nothing good was going to come of any of this. Unfortunately we were not able to get in to see the specialist that day like I wanted to. I had to wait till Thursday and Shawn couldn't get off of work which meant I was going by myself. Shawn and I decided to focus on the good part of the appointment, we're having a little boy. I called Lisa immediately and told her what was going on, and asked that she please go with me I couldn't go by myself.

Thursday July 8th Lisa and I arrived at the office and were introduced to the nurse practitioner who would be doing the scan. It started out great, his head was perfect things were forming just the way they were supposed to, then we got to his heart. She let us know that it almost looked like his aorta was overriding his ventricles but that it could just be the angle. The doctor came in and scanned him and said that he was 99% sure that he was completely normal that most likely it was a placental defect that was causing him to grow behind. That after he had changed position his heart looked normal, but that in order to move on to treating a placental issue, he needed to do an amniocentesis to rule out a chromosomal defect. I made the decision to have the test because the doctor made it sound as though I had no other option, it had to be done. After the test was done he informed me that he was 99% sure that the results would be negative and would call the next afternoon.

Friday July 9th at 2:35pm I got the call that changed everything. Most of the call was a blur, but from what I can remember he said that he was wrong, he had never been more wrong then ever. That the test results came back positive for Trisomy 18. That my son was not compatible with life, that he wouldn't live past a month if he was not still born. After stumbling through a few non-coherent sentences I finally asked what the next step was. The line was quite for a minute then he said that the next step was termination, that he could get us in next week, or if I spoke with my husband right now they could get us in tonight. I don't remember saying anything after he said that word, I'm not sure I even said good bye I think I just hung up. By that point I was sobbing uncontrollably I didn't care if everyone in the world could hear me, my son wasn't going to live. The only words I could manage was "I can't do this" I must have called Shawn about a million times, it was going to the answering machine every time. I called Lisa 5-6 times going straight to voice mail. I finally got a hold of Shawn I could barely get the words out of my mouth, I just sat against the wall and cried. My bosses came into the break room I couldn't say anything, they saw it written on a piece of paper sat down next to me and cried. We sat that way for about 10 mins before they asked if I needed them to call Shawn to have him come and pick me up. Shawn and I cried harder that day then I think either of us have ever cried in our lives. Our perfect little boy the light in our world was going to die and there is nothing that either of us could do.
We asked Shawn's mom to come over we just needed her that minute, we told her what was going on that our perfect little boy was not going to live. It took us all of a few minutes of rational thinking to realize that termination or abortion was not an option it never was! We had said from the start that God doesn't make mistakes, this isn't a mistake he gave us our little boy for a reason. We just didn't know why he had to be so sick. We decided right that minute our little boys name was Aiden James, no one from that point on would call him anything else.

That weekend was possibly the hardest I've ever had to face. How do you tell all of your friends and family who are so excited about this perfect little boy that he isn't going to live? How do you let go of all of those dreams you have for your child, how do you accept that your going to be burying your child, something no parent should have to do.

The coming weeks got easier, it's funny, the first 4 weeks were so easy I honestly only focused on the stories of children that lived. I thought that maybe Aiden could be the exemption to the rule that maybe he would prove all the doctors wrong. That someday I could take him in to see that perinatologist when he was in his late 20's and say here's that little boy that you told me wasn't compatible with life here he is, now he's starting his own family.

Monday July 19th I met with Dr. Franco he just wanted to let us know that he completely supported our decision to continue. He let us know that he was on our side and would be there every step of the way. That he would talk to other doctors and make them aware of our wishes to preserve our sons life.

Monday August 2nd I dreaded that appointment more then anything in the world. I never wanted to see the perinatologist ever again, why would I want to see a doctor that was so avidly against me continuing my pregnancy? The ultrasound was terrifying, at first they thought that possibly he had a brain defect, but it could be something that would go away as the pregnancy went on but that it may not. Then they said that they didn't see a stomach bubble, but that could be just the angle or even because he was swallowing. Then they got to his heart and said that he most definitely had a defect. When Shawn got the nerve to ask if his heart was operable the doctor looked at him and said that on a normal baby it was but because of his diagnosis they would do nothing. She kept saying that this was no surprise we knew there would be defects, except in my mind this was a surprise. I had rationalised this theory that he would be fine and grown up like any other kid.

It was the most crushing appointment of yet, it seemed that any hope that I had for Aiden was riped out of my hands. I was forced to accept that the same day that we said Hello to Aiden, we would most likely be saying goodbye. I've cried so much in the last few days trying to accept all of this, I'm not sure if I will ever be able to accept it. But I'm hoping to keep moving forward, to be strong for Aiden.

This is Aidens story so far, when I first started writing I honestly didn't know if I could write all of this down, but then I felt like I needed to. I want Aiden to have a legacy here, I don't want him to ever be forgotten, or to ever think that we moved on. We will never move on, Aiden will always be a part of our family there will never be a day that we don't think about him.

I think whats been the hardest for me is that everything has felt normal, how can someone sit there and tell me that my little boy isn't going to live when I can feel him all the time. I struggle with how to tell people without falling to pieces, sometimes I want to just say it "Yes I'm pregnant yes I'm excited for my son, no I don't have a room prepared for him because he wont be coming home. He will most likely die the same day he's born!" My latest metaphor for what we're going through is that our hearts are mosaics waiting to be made. Right now they've been dropped and smashed into pieces, some large, some to small to ever be fixed, but someday some one will get some mortar and put them back together, and when their put back together they'll have Aiden in the center holding everything together.

I know that I've probably left out huge chunks and will probably think of them later and have to write again, but for now this is everything. I feels so much better to have written it down, it's immortalized, his legacy is immortalized.

The strength that we've had through all of this is strictly from God, I honestly can't imagine how anyone who says that they don't believe in God could ever face life in this world, it must feel so empty, sad, and meaningless. I hope that through Aiden we are able to show the non-believers in our life that God is real, he is good and he is ever watching. God loves his children and  has a purpose for everything that he does. God doesn't make mistakes, Aiden wasn't a mistake no child with any deformity is a mistake their even more special that's why God takes them home sooner.

I write this with more love than ever expressible, and hope to have better news next time I write.