Lately I've been plagued with the feeling that time is just escaping me. Seems like it was yesterday that I had months before Aiden was due, now I only have weeks. And while I'm so excited to meet my son, to see his face and hold him for the first time, I'm terrified and deeply saddened. I guess part of me really thought that maybe I could stay pregnant forever and he and I could just go on like this until the end of time.
The thought of Aiden's birth is so bitter sweet I'm not sure what to expect, it's getting harder not to cry every time someone mention's that it's almost time. I guess I never really wanted that day to come ever since I found out that he was sick. Before we knew that Aiden was sick (or that he was going to be Aiden and not Hailey) I used to say things like after I have this baby we'll go do this or that, I think back and want to kick myself. I looked at being pregnant as being inconvenient instead of a blessing. There are so many regrets that I have about the beginning of my pregnancy, things I wish I had never said, feelings or thoughts I had, so many things that I wish I could change. I guess I never realized just how blessed I was, it was sadly the best part of my pregnancy and I messed it all up by not being grateful.
Last week was the first time I told any of my patient's about Aiden's diagnoses...It hurt in a good way if that make's any sense at all. I mean I guess telling one person isn't telling the world but it's not exactly the easiest thing to tell people and even harder to tell to patient's. Then it got me thinking, I'm going to have to explain this to all of my patient's at some point, or I'll just play dumb. I mean all of my patient's have seen me pregnant, they know that I'm expecting a little boy, so their inevitably going to ask how the baby is doing when I come back from maternity leave. - In the past my work has done birth announcements in our newsletter and sign's in the office so patient's know, but what are they going to do for Aiden? Announce that he's here and not say anything more? Ignore it ever happened unless patients ask? - Will I be able to explain to patient's that yes I had a beautiful little boy who was very very sick and went to be with Jesus? Is that what's going to happen? Will he be born and live and I'll be terrified to leave his side because I don't want to miss a moment of his amazing life? How would they explain that to my patients? I'm home taking care of my son how's extremely sick? - Would I still have a job? - I have millions of questions floating around in my head right now, and I guess the one that rings clearer then any of the rest is - What will my patients be told? The thought of it not being mentioned at all is I think the most devastating of all the options, mainly because it makes Aiden into a dirty little secret and that's simply not acceptable, I've worked so hard to make sure that every moment of his life is documented and appreciated and never forgotten. I want people to know that he is my son and the most amazing little boy ever imagined, he's our everything, I just wish everyone else could understand.
Every time I find myself on my knee's I find myself pleading with God again begging that Aiden not be taken away so soon, that we have many many year's with him, plenty of time, not just 4 weeks.
Today the doctor asked about delivery and how we wanted everything to go… We’ve sat down with Becky from String of Pearls and discussed a birth plan, we have a draft of it. But when the doctor asked me that question I felt like saying we had agreed on this, but that’s not what I want at all. The doctors can tell me a million times that nothing I do can help him, but I can’t help but feel like it could and that I should do everything possible for him. They say that having a caesarian birth wouldn’t help or improve Aiden’s chances, but my heart says that if he’s having a hard time with natural birth then yes it does. They say that intubation wont help him if it’s needed, but my heart says that if he can’t eat on his own no way in hell am I going to let him starve to death. I know with my brain that his chances aren’t good and that all of this could be just prolonging the inevitable, but my heart says take whatever measures necessary to take care of him.
I guess I just have to go back to my original prayer that none of these things are things that we or the doctors have to decide…