After our Doctors appointment on Monday it sunk in for Shawn and I that Aiden's due date is only five weeks and three days away (Then six weeks). It sunk in that if the Doctors are right then that's all the time we have left with Aiden. It breaks my heart to even think that way, I can't imagine our lives without him, and I never want to find out what it's like.
Aiden is what keeps me going every day, he's the reason I pull myself outta bed and go to work. I'm so terrified that we're going to lose him and there's nothing that can be done. But at the same time I know that if God chooses to taken Aiden to be with him it's because he needed to, because it's what's best for him. I just don't want to have to love my baby from a far, I want him here with me.
I've been thinking a lot lately about where I was a year ago, I begged and pleaded everyday that God would give me a child, someone I could mother, who was completely and solely dependant on me. I wanted so very desperately to be a mother, I never even considered that sometimes being a mother doesn't always mean that your child is here with you. I didn't even imagine that things like this could happen, I always thought that you get pregnant you carry the baby for 9 months and then you give birth and take home a baby and raise them. It never occurred to me that many women get pregnant and for 9 months their the best mothers, they give birth and don't take home a baby because theirs went to be with Jesus. - These are some of best mothers in my opinion because they have to except that sometimes only God knows what's best for us and our children. Their the one's that had to cling to God every step of the way and know that it's all HIS will and trust completely and solely in HIM. So all that while I was praying for someone to be completely dependant on me, I should have been working on making myself completely dependant on God. All things good and bad come from him, we don't accomplish anything on our own, all things come from God.
I've been listening a lot to this song Impossible by Anberlin, I'm pretty sure it's about a break up but in some weird way it speaks to me and my situation. The chorus is "I'm impossible to figure out, so impossible you had your doubts, Take what you want from me, it means nothing now, take everything you wanted, it means nothing now, not so easy to forgive, harder to forget, taken what you what from me"
The other song that I've been replaying all day is Love The Way You Lie by Eminem and Rhianna again I'm pretty sure it's another break up song but it speaks to what I'm feeling "Ever love someone so much you can barely breath when your with them...Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that’s all right because I like the way it hurts, just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that’s all right because I love the way you lie, love the way you lie"
I guess lately I kinda feel like I have nothing left, do whatever you want to me because nothing is worse or harder then facing this, and I know that God is working in everything so even these mountains that seem way to high and hard to climb I can and will with HIS help. I've never felt more strong in my faith than I have going through all of this, I trust completely that while I may have no idea what God's divine plans are for me and my son, I know that HE will be glorified through them. So whether Aiden is born and shortly after goes to be with Jesus as the doctors all predict, or he's born and through a miracle of God he stays for many many years and is a living testimony to God's glory as we hope and pray every day, God will always come first in Aiden's life, he will always be just as dependant on God as I am now and that's the best blessing and hope that any parent can have for their children.
Much love, lots of tears
- Aiden's Mommy