Monday, May 30, 2011

New Beginnings

The Lord’s blessings are never few and far between, but sometimes we need to open our eyes and look around in order to recognize them. The Lord never tires of giving us new opportunities to recognize all of the wonderful things that he has blessed us with. It never ceases to amaze me every time that I’m given a new chance to see his beautiful world the way that he does. To see the glorious things he does on a daily bases.

The Lord has chosen us to bring new life into this world and into this home. After everything that we have gone through in the last year it’s not surprising that this is a true miracle that we are eternally grateful for. Every time I see that little baby, see that little heartbeat, I’m reminded of everything that we lost when we lost Aiden. What is surprising is every time we have an ultrasound every time we hear the heartbeat it’s so different, even though this is my second pregnancy (were the baby has made it past 5 weeks) it’s almost like I don’t know what to expect because it’s so different.

With Aiden, I never had any of the telltale pregnancy side effects like morning sickness or super sonic smell, but this time both are ridiculous. So ridiculous that I’m taking Zofran three times a day and still have to avoid sugar like the plague unless I wanna be sicker than a dog. As for smell well I can small chicken in a vacuum sealed bag at the store 3ft away. . With Aiden, every ultrasound he measured at least a week behind his expected due date, but this baby has always measured on date or even a day ahead. With Aiden, his heart beat was always kinda like the sound of a train chugging along the train tracks but not always a steady beat. This babies heartbeat is so even and steady it’s perfect, just the way it should sound.

I know they say that every pregnancy is different but this is so completely different it’s astonishing, and I guess in a way it’s a good thing. But it does make you sad to think that there was all those signs that something wasn’t right, but we never knew until he was supposed to be 20wks and only measuring 17wks.

Telling people this time had such mixed reactions, some people as excited as we are, while others are cautious wanting to make sure I’m staying rested as if somehow that could have prevented what happened. While others ask if it’s a good idea as if what happened was somehow our fault or something we caused. After going through all of this it’s hard the second time around, all you want is for it to be normal but it’s not. You can’t be happy and excited like you were before, you know that something could happen, that just because your pregnant doesn’t mean your bringing home a baby. It’s hard to stay positive about everything when it seems like everyone is reminding you that things didn’t work out last time.

But the Lord works in mysterious ways, constantly reminding us that things are different this time. Reminding us that it’s not always going to be this hard. That while the scars of losing him will never go away, but they will fade and wont always be so front and center and painful. HE is always reminding us that someday talking about him wont bring tears sad and despairing tears to our eyes. That someday we’ll talk about him and smile and only have happy memories of him, memories of our other children talking to him in their nightly prayers. Someday this will get easier and we wont be so scared.