Friday, February 11, 2011

Letting Go Aint Easy

The past few months I've been holding on so tight, and I've almost fooled myself into thinking that somehow if I keep holding on to that idea everything will be ok. I have almost fooled myself into thinking that if I write his name everywhere possible, say it daily, and hold tight to his turtle and pictures, that Aiden really isn't gone. I know it's ridiculous but I guess I knew the truth but in the back of my mind was convinced that maybe he was just sick and someday they'd call and I could go get him and bring him home. I know it sounds entirely insane, but I've held so tight to Aiden I haven't been able to do anything else.

I've had to tell myself a million times that these fantasies are crazy but I've been holding onto that, also I've been putting off certain things. I've been putting off printing the rest of his pictures and maternity pictures because I'm afraid of letting go of admitting that it is really over. I've been afraid that if I print all the pictures, create the rest of the pages of the baby book, put everything in the book, it'll all be over and I'll have to let go. I decided today I have to let go, that I'll never be able to move on, never identify myself as anything other than Aidens Mommy, never have anymore children, until I let go and admit that Aidens gone, he's never coming back, he was never mine. God knew that, God knew that he had to give me a taste of what was to be mine in the future some day. But HE also knew that Aiden was only ever meant to be mine in heaven, and for that reason I have to stop trying to build up treasures here on earth for myself and let go. Let go and admit that Aiden is in heaven and will be waiting for us there. God will give him to us someday, but not now, not here. So I have to let go.

We've been trying to get pregnant now for two months since Aiden passed and in that time I haven't once had a snowball's shot in hell. We're now trying fertility medications and all I can think about is that if we get pregnant again, I don't want to be due on or around Aidens birthday. It's been consuming me lately, I know it sounds stupid and crazy, but that's Aidens day and I don't want us to be distracted. I want that to always be Aidens day. In my book, Aidens birthday will always be a holiday, the day an angel entered into our world. But a day that will forever be hard for me besides his birthday is the day that I knew I was pregnant with Aiden, I found out on March 18th that I was going to have the biggest joy of my life in November. March 18th will always be hard because that day, I thought for sure I was going to have a healthy baby here by now. I was severely wrong and now I'm back to where I started a year ago except half my heart has been ripped out and the other half is in pieces and I'm still trying to piece it all back together again.

I walked into Aiden's room today and put all of his things back in there. I no longer have his blanket, turtle, or bat on my nightstand. I have to let go and move forward, God will give Aiden back to me someday, but not in this lifetime, and I have to accept that.

So tomorrow, I'll be picking up all of his pictures from the printer, finishing his baby album, and truly letting go. It's time to move forward, I will always be Aidens mommy, but I can also be other babies mommies someday.

So for now, I say goodbye. I need space from this, I need to stop obsessing about how my pregnancy with him was, what I could have done better as a mother, stop rehashing it. I need to focus on new beginnings and letting that happen. I'm letting go.