Friday, August 26, 2011


Fear is something that I’ve been facing head on for a while now. When I started this Blog I said that I was going to be completely honest even if it hurt sometimes. I guess after Aiden died I lost a lot of that fearlessness that he gave me. When he was here I felt so strong and fearless like I could take on the world, without him sometimes I feel like the world is walking all over me.

For a long time now my policy has been that honestly is the best policy, and sometimes being honest isn’t easy. You have to admit to things you’d rather not because your ashamed, why else would you hide or lie about it. I guess I’ve been so embarrassed to admit that maybe I’m not as strong as I thought I was, as others have told me I was. But the truth is I’m just a normal person, I’m no stronger than anyone else, I just took what God gave me and tried to make the best of it, even if that meant that sometimes I had to lie to myself to get through. When I think back to when Aiden was here, I can see so many instances where I lied to myself just to make it through the day, shopping for clothes, setting up a nursery, looking into Medicaid for him and Hospice care school for me. I convinced myself against all odds that he was going to come home with us, even though I knew better, because how would I have gotten up every morning knowing that I’d never get to hold my little boy alive. I can honestly remember driving to the hospital that day and talking to Aiden telling him about how we were going to prove those Dr.’s wrong, how we were going to show them that he could make it because he was a fighter. Sometimes I honestly think that he held on for so long because he knew that I needed him too, that I needed him to just try to stay a little longer, give me a little more time.

With Hailey I’ve tried to be strong and carry on like nothings wrong when it is. Obviously not with her she’s perfect in every way, every Dr.’s appointment they tell us how perfect she is. But I’ve been trying to pretend like I’m ok and I’m not, I’m terrified and heartbroken and feel guilty every time I cry. We prayed so hard and for so long to have her and ever since we’ve gotten her I’ve been scared out of my mind. At first I was afraid maybe even convinced that we’d get to the next appointment and that’s when they’d tell us that we was gone, or that’s when they’d tell us she was sick too. But as time went on and appointment after appointment that s not what happened I’ve started to let some of that fear go. Don’t let me fool you there are still times that I get that sick to my stomach feeling even though I know that nothings wrong. Those are the times that I thank God that he understands that I’m weak and as much as I’m trying I’m scared. Lately I’ve moved on to being afraid of giving birth and having an infant, my mind is whirling with all of these ideas of things that could possibly go wrong, how she could be taken away from me. To be honest some nights I lay in bed tossing and turning thinking of all of the horrible things that could happen to her, cord getting wrapped around her neck, un-explained still birth, SIDS, Whooping cough, Pneumonia, trust me my list goes on and on. And the nights I don’t lay away I have nightmares about all these things and quite frankly I’ve worked myself into quite the tizzy over all of this. Now to some it may sound like I’m being ridiculous, but I guess once your veil has been torn and you can really see how all of these things happen and how often they happen, it’s really easy to give into fear.

In the book that we were given after we lost Aiden it talks a lot about dealing with all of this, I remember I read it right after he died and for whatever reason it gave me comfort to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling so insanely over protective. But at the time, I wasn’t actually feeling those emotions yet, I just knew that I would. Now that I’m here there aren’t even words for the anxiety it causes me, the thought of going back to work after giving birth to her seems just as impossible as it did when I thought Aiden was coming home. And I know that millions of babies are born each year and that all of those parents have to go back to work and those babies are just fine, really I do, but I don’t exactly have the best of luck when it comes to babies and the thought of her being out of my sight is agonizing.

When I’ve sat down and really tried to analyze myself and those feelings (good thing I took so much psychology, I may have changed my mind about a career but now I can analyze myself and my insane insecurities) I realize that a lot of the severity of them comes from the fact that with Aiden I felt helpless, I couldn’t do anything to help or save him. There was absolutely nothing that could be done for him so I felt like as a mother I failed, your supposed to protect your babies and I couldn’t and I lost him. As insane as it may sound to someone who’s never lost a child, as a mother you honestly feel like you failed them, that you didn’t do everything that you could have. I spent a lot of time going through everything in my pregnancy and beating myself up because I could have made it easier on him, if I would have gone to the Dr sooner maybe they could have helped him. I know that this is completely useless and doesn’t help anything, and when I really think rationally about it there was nothing that anyone could have done that would have changed anything. But knowing that doesn’t make the feeling of having failed go away. So my fears and anxiety spring from exactly that, I refuse to fail again. God gave me another chance to be a mother, so no one and nothing in this world is going to stop me from protecting my sweet little girl. I can do things to help her, I can save her, if I do everything right and protect her from every little thing then maybe I can keep her, maybe I’ll get to watch her grow up. I’ve never in my life felt so protective of anything as I do my children, it’s not something I can even explain most of the time, they are my life and it’s my job to protect them is the best that I can do. I honestly think that  after having lost a child you love and appreciate other children so much more than any normal mother does (not to discount other mothers because I’m sure you love and are protective of your babies as well), because they’ve never had to face a day where their child didn’t exist anymore, the little person that they poured their heart and soul into is just gone and there’s nothing that they can do. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone, your arms literally ache to hold the baby that isn’t there and you can feel your heart breaking into pieces, you‘ll never see them in this life again, you‘ll never see them as a toddler, a preschooler, a kindergartener, going to elementary school, middle school, high school, college, get married, have children of their own. All of those things that you dreamed of for them are gone, you‘ll never even hear them cry and they‘ll never need you the way that you need them. So when you get another chance you better believe your hell bent and making sure that nothing happens to that child that you get to have all of those things this time, that you don’t fail again because your heart couldn’t take that.

Another thing that I’ve really been struggling with is feeling guilty for crying, I feel so wretched whenever I get worked up over Aiden or being afraid because everyone tells me “That’s not good for the baby, you need to calm down”. So I do my best to keep it all inside to not get worked up, because I don’t want to hurt her in anyway. But then I feel guilty to Aiden for not acknowledging how much I miss him and wish every second of every day that he was here, that I could hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I miss him. But to be honest all this feeling guilty isn’t getting me anywhere but extremely depressed, I’m depressed that my little boy isn’t here, I’m depressed that my little girl has to constantly feel how depressed mommy is about her brother isn’t here, I feel guilty that her big brother isn’t here for her, that he’s missing all of this, that maybe if he was here she wouldn’t be, I feel guilty that I’m digging myself such a deep whole when I know better. I’ve struggled with depression off and on for a long time and I know better than to bottle things up, I know better than to let something eat away at me until I can’t take it anymore. But lately I have just let myself fall into this slump and let everything take a big poo on me and haven’t even tried to dig myself back out. Why because I’m afraid, I’m afraid to admit that it’s been almost a year and it still feels like yesterday, I’m afraid to admit that looking of pictures of my nephew still hurts sometimes (I feel guilty about this too, because I love Donovan with all of my heart, and I’m so grateful that he’s here and that he’s healthy. It’s just not easy and I know it’s not easy on my brother either) because it’s a reminder of what Aiden should be doing right now, of what my life should be like. I feel guilty that I’ve pulled away from friends and family because “they wouldn’t understand” even if you don’t shouldn’t you at least get the chance to try. I could go on all day about the things I feel depressed and guilty about, but saying all of that doesn’t help either it just makes me feel worse that I have found so many things to be negative about when I have so much to be grateful for.

So I’m turning over a new leaf, I’m not letting myself do this anymore, I started this Blog to help me get those emotions out so that I could cry it out and be done with it and I’m going to stay true to that with this post. I’m going to really start working on me, because when Hailey does get here, I don’t want her to come home to a mommy that is deeply depressed, I want her to come home to a mommy who is ready and able to take care of her. So in keeping with my word I’ve been completely honest laid it all out there for the most part (I could type for days if I really put it all out there) and now I’m ready to start dealing with it. So forgive me if I tell you to screw off if you tell me “That’s not good for the baby, you need to calm down”, no I don’t I need to cry it out and move on because I’m not someone who can let go without addressing it. And if that doesn’t make any sense then maybe you should say anything at all, just ask me what you can do to help, sometimes I just want to tell someone what I’m so upset about and cry about it until I feel better. As far as non pregnancy related things go, I’m going to make a real effort to re-connect with my friends, apologize for not being there for them and work on being a better friend. God never intended us to go through this life on our own, and I’ve been stupid to have pulled myself away from everyone trying to protect them and myself from my emotions. It’s time to keep with my own policy and be honest and let honesty take precedence for a little while and hopefully soon peace will follow. I know some day I’m going to wake up and this all wont be so hard and as scared as I am of that day because I’m afraid it’ll mean I’ve let go of Aiden, I’m excited because I also know that’s not really what it means, just that I’ve made peace with it.

So for now this is everything, but expect more honesty with regard to how I’m really feeling, because as much as I’m excited and overjoyed that Hailey is coming, I’m also terrified and heart broken and it’s time that I start acknowledging both sides of that spectrum.

Good Night World

-Jessie - Aiden and Hailey’s mommy

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Hailey Marie Mares

Well it's official we're having a little girl and her name is going to be Hailey Marie. It's such an amazing feeling to finally have a name for this baby instead of calling her baby, it feels that much more real! Not that I could ignore her constant kicking and poking. LOL. I think at first it was kinda hard for Shawn and I to accept that we weren't going to be having another boy, I think mostly because we always wanted our boy to be the oldest, and he is, he's just not here to do any of the big brotherly things. I think the thought also crossed our minds that maybe Aiden was our only chance at having a boy, and to be honest sometimes it still does. But I know that God has a plan and a reason for everything that he does and I trust in Him completely. Honestly sometimes I think it's kind of a blessing that she's a she just to help give further seperation of this pregancy and the pregnacy with Aiden, to help remind us that everything about her is different from her brother, except her parents and her God. I think after the enitial shock we both got really excited that it's a girl and never really gave much thought to how much we wanted a little girl.

We've had a busy few weeks/months since last time I wrote and amazingly summer is winding to it's end. It seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant again and it's already more than half way over. Although I'm grateful for summer almost being over because these tempetures are killing me!!!!! I'm pretty sure I won't be happy until it's 70 degrees or lower everyday, these high 80's and 90's are just not do-able for a pregnant women!!!

We've started making plans for baby girls room, after a lot of hard decision making we've decided to change the nursery completely. It was really hard for me to do this because even though I always called it the nursery and not Aiden's room, and even though he never used anything in there, it felt wrong to change it. I spent an entire saturday afternoon crying and taking all of his bedding and things down and packing away all of the little boy clothes and toys and figuring out what could still be used for a girl. Then I spent the next day getting excited about buying pink bedding and having flowers and other girlie things for her. To say I've been an emotional rollercoster would be an understatement but I'm getting through it day by day and I'm sure someday it won't be this hard.

We finally went out and registered for Hailey as well, and boy oh boy was I clueless as to how much stuff we didn't have that we are going to need. But it kinda makes since, we bought the obvious things for Aiden more as a way to help US through without ever really thinking of the practical things like oh I don't know BOTTLES! LOL it was a lot of fun to go through isle by isle and find things that we needed for her and I think even Shawn was a little amazed at how much we still needed because he kept insisting that we didn't need much. It feels really good to have that done and off my list of things to do, especailly because I didn't want to do it when I was huge and just trying to get it done and forgetting things.

So all in all we're all doing good and moving forward at a wonderful pace. I'm getting super excited about the idea that it's not too much longer before she's here and in our arms. To be honest sometimes that part of it doesn't even seem real that we're really going to be able to bring her home and hear her cry. I guess it'll just take time for my heart and brain to connect on that part of it. I just can't wait to have her here, to see what she looks like, to hear her sweet cry's (which I'm sure later might get annoying at 3 in the morning. But I think even that might take a while to take forgranted).

Well for now I'm not sure of what other updates there are, just a constant reminder that God is good and does and blesses us with amazing things each day. He has completely shown us that "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need". We're so excited for our little girl to get here and I'm honestly starting to wish that it was December already! lol

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Days go by I can feel em flyin like a hand out the window in the wind

i havent posted in a while but I honestly havent had much to report on except that this year seems to be flying by. I feel like I blink and somehow its already been another month, I have already been at this new office for three months. In someways it feels like longer in others it seems like yesterday that I got out of the hellhole I was in at Dr. Mastersons office.

The baby has been growing healthy and strong so far, we've had all the precautionary tests so far except of coarse the amnio. The 12 week ultrascreen came back normal thank you Lord and as comforting as that is I still havent relaxed. I always know in the back of my mind that those reults arent a sure thing that nothings wrong, just not obviously wrong. Recently we had another blood test to see if the babyhas an increased chance of having spinal defects. Unfortunately its been a week since they drew blood and we still havent heardback from them. Every time we hve these tests done, I feel like I'm holding my breath untill we get them back. It's an odd thing to know instictively that this time it's different this time, but at the same time remember that lsst time yiu didn't think anything was wrong but every was deeply wrong.

But then again thats right where God wants me to be completely reliant on him, to trust only  what he says and not let the Devils whispers effect my resolve.

So far we've had two attempts at trying to find out who this little one is going to be. Unfortunately little one has other ideas about us knowing what he/she is. We have another attempt in a couple of weeks so I guess we shall see if little one wants to cooperate then. LOL

Well for now thats all the information that I have for now will update as soonas little one decides to give up the goods. LOL.

Monday, May 30, 2011

New Beginnings

The Lord’s blessings are never few and far between, but sometimes we need to open our eyes and look around in order to recognize them. The Lord never tires of giving us new opportunities to recognize all of the wonderful things that he has blessed us with. It never ceases to amaze me every time that I’m given a new chance to see his beautiful world the way that he does. To see the glorious things he does on a daily bases.

The Lord has chosen us to bring new life into this world and into this home. After everything that we have gone through in the last year it’s not surprising that this is a true miracle that we are eternally grateful for. Every time I see that little baby, see that little heartbeat, I’m reminded of everything that we lost when we lost Aiden. What is surprising is every time we have an ultrasound every time we hear the heartbeat it’s so different, even though this is my second pregnancy (were the baby has made it past 5 weeks) it’s almost like I don’t know what to expect because it’s so different.

With Aiden, I never had any of the telltale pregnancy side effects like morning sickness or super sonic smell, but this time both are ridiculous. So ridiculous that I’m taking Zofran three times a day and still have to avoid sugar like the plague unless I wanna be sicker than a dog. As for smell well I can small chicken in a vacuum sealed bag at the store 3ft away. . With Aiden, every ultrasound he measured at least a week behind his expected due date, but this baby has always measured on date or even a day ahead. With Aiden, his heart beat was always kinda like the sound of a train chugging along the train tracks but not always a steady beat. This babies heartbeat is so even and steady it’s perfect, just the way it should sound.

I know they say that every pregnancy is different but this is so completely different it’s astonishing, and I guess in a way it’s a good thing. But it does make you sad to think that there was all those signs that something wasn’t right, but we never knew until he was supposed to be 20wks and only measuring 17wks.

Telling people this time had such mixed reactions, some people as excited as we are, while others are cautious wanting to make sure I’m staying rested as if somehow that could have prevented what happened. While others ask if it’s a good idea as if what happened was somehow our fault or something we caused. After going through all of this it’s hard the second time around, all you want is for it to be normal but it’s not. You can’t be happy and excited like you were before, you know that something could happen, that just because your pregnant doesn’t mean your bringing home a baby. It’s hard to stay positive about everything when it seems like everyone is reminding you that things didn’t work out last time.

But the Lord works in mysterious ways, constantly reminding us that things are different this time. Reminding us that it’s not always going to be this hard. That while the scars of losing him will never go away, but they will fade and wont always be so front and center and painful. HE is always reminding us that someday talking about him wont bring tears sad and despairing tears to our eyes. That someday we’ll talk about him and smile and only have happy memories of him, memories of our other children talking to him in their nightly prayers. Someday this will get easier and we wont be so scared.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

A Winner At The Losing Game

Lately things for us have been such an emotional roller coaster. One day we’re being told that we’re going to have to see the Reproductive Endocrinologist because the fertility medication that they put me on didn’t work. Telling us that because it didn’t work and caused me to rupture a cyst and possibly make my Endometrioses worse the RE was probably going to do injections and IUI. The next week telling us that it did work and I ovulated two eggs, a few days later finding out I’m pregnant and since it’s detectable so early and I ovulated more then one egg it’s probably twins. The next week going in for a beta to find out how their doing if the pregnancy is progressing only to find out that it’s on it’s way down and not up. To starting to bleed and miscarry. The next day leaving work to go to the doctor to find out that the miscarriage is almost complete and the beta is back to 0. Having blood drawn to find out why I’m what they call a habitual misscarrier. Starting Clomid again at a higher dose to try to get me to ovulate sooner while waiting for the test results back. Waiting over a week for the results only for them to say they didn’t see anything that everything appeared to be normal. To realizing after hanging up with the nurse that the results would be squed because I’ve been taking baby asprin, calling back and the nurse saying she doesn’t think it would matter since the Dr. didn’t note it.

So basically I’m back to wear I started only one more miscarriage under my belt and no explanation as to why all of this keeps happing. I’m so frustrated with everything in my life right now. I feel like every time things start to look up something comes crashing back down on my head. I’ve started to feel like I’m a winner at a losing game, I get a new job only to find out I need to find another, I get pregnant after trying for almost 5 months only to miscarry. I go to interviews that go really well only not to get any calls back for weeks which means I‘m stuck there for another month.

In times like these it’s easy to let the Devil whisper in your ear and tell you your not good enough, things will never work out, it’s all your fault. But God reminds us that while things aren’t going our way right now it doesn’t mean they wont ever. He reminds us that he never promised that our lives would be easy or go smoothly, He never promised that we wouldn’t face trouble. In fact He promised us the exact opposite, that our lives would be hard, but that they would glorify Him and ultimately that’s what we’re here for isn’t it. So as the song says, Bring On The Rain. We have to stay strong in our faith no mater what is going on around us, we have to know and trust that God is in control, that his intentions are hidden from us yes, but that it doesn’t mean that their not pure. God knows that our heart are prone to wonder, and sometimes He has to reign us back in, bring us back to our knees to remind us that He is really in control not us.

So if your feeling like I am like everything is all wrong, just remember that God is in control, and while it seems like we’re in the wrong place, God’s telling us we’re right where we need to be.


Friday, February 11, 2011

Letting Go Aint Easy

The past few months I've been holding on so tight, and I've almost fooled myself into thinking that somehow if I keep holding on to that idea everything will be ok. I have almost fooled myself into thinking that if I write his name everywhere possible, say it daily, and hold tight to his turtle and pictures, that Aiden really isn't gone. I know it's ridiculous but I guess I knew the truth but in the back of my mind was convinced that maybe he was just sick and someday they'd call and I could go get him and bring him home. I know it sounds entirely insane, but I've held so tight to Aiden I haven't been able to do anything else.

I've had to tell myself a million times that these fantasies are crazy but I've been holding onto that, also I've been putting off certain things. I've been putting off printing the rest of his pictures and maternity pictures because I'm afraid of letting go of admitting that it is really over. I've been afraid that if I print all the pictures, create the rest of the pages of the baby book, put everything in the book, it'll all be over and I'll have to let go. I decided today I have to let go, that I'll never be able to move on, never identify myself as anything other than Aidens Mommy, never have anymore children, until I let go and admit that Aidens gone, he's never coming back, he was never mine. God knew that, God knew that he had to give me a taste of what was to be mine in the future some day. But HE also knew that Aiden was only ever meant to be mine in heaven, and for that reason I have to stop trying to build up treasures here on earth for myself and let go. Let go and admit that Aiden is in heaven and will be waiting for us there. God will give him to us someday, but not now, not here. So I have to let go.

We've been trying to get pregnant now for two months since Aiden passed and in that time I haven't once had a snowball's shot in hell. We're now trying fertility medications and all I can think about is that if we get pregnant again, I don't want to be due on or around Aidens birthday. It's been consuming me lately, I know it sounds stupid and crazy, but that's Aidens day and I don't want us to be distracted. I want that to always be Aidens day. In my book, Aidens birthday will always be a holiday, the day an angel entered into our world. But a day that will forever be hard for me besides his birthday is the day that I knew I was pregnant with Aiden, I found out on March 18th that I was going to have the biggest joy of my life in November. March 18th will always be hard because that day, I thought for sure I was going to have a healthy baby here by now. I was severely wrong and now I'm back to where I started a year ago except half my heart has been ripped out and the other half is in pieces and I'm still trying to piece it all back together again.

I walked into Aiden's room today and put all of his things back in there. I no longer have his blanket, turtle, or bat on my nightstand. I have to let go and move forward, God will give Aiden back to me someday, but not in this lifetime, and I have to accept that.

So tomorrow, I'll be picking up all of his pictures from the printer, finishing his baby album, and truly letting go. It's time to move forward, I will always be Aidens mommy, but I can also be other babies mommies someday.

So for now, I say goodbye. I need space from this, I need to stop obsessing about how my pregnancy with him was, what I could have done better as a mother, stop rehashing it. I need to focus on new beginnings and letting that happen. I'm letting go.