Thursday, October 28, 2010


Lately I've been plagued with the feeling that time is just escaping me. Seems like it was yesterday that I had months before Aiden was due, now I only have weeks. And while I'm so excited to meet my son, to see his face and hold him for the first time, I'm terrified and deeply saddened. I guess part of me really thought that maybe I could stay pregnant forever and he and I could just go on like this until the end of time.

The thought of Aiden's birth is so bitter sweet I'm not sure what to expect, it's getting harder not to cry every time someone mention's that it's almost time. I guess I never really wanted that day to come ever since I found out that he was sick. Before we knew that Aiden was sick (or that he was going to be Aiden and not Hailey) I used to say things like after I have this baby we'll go do this or that, I think back and want to kick myself. I looked at being pregnant as being inconvenient instead of a blessing. There are so many regrets that I have about the beginning of my pregnancy, things I wish I had never said, feelings or thoughts I had, so many things that I wish I could change. I guess I never realized just how blessed I was, it was sadly the best part of my pregnancy and I messed it all up by not being grateful.

Last week was the first time I told any of my patient's about Aiden's diagnoses...It hurt in a good way if that make's any sense at all. I mean I guess telling one person isn't telling the world but it's not exactly the easiest thing to tell people and even harder to tell to patient's. Then it got me thinking, I'm going to have to explain this to all of my patient's at some point, or I'll just play dumb. I mean all of my patient's have seen me pregnant, they know that I'm expecting a little boy, so their inevitably going to ask how the baby is doing when I come back from maternity leave. - In the past my work has done birth announcements in our newsletter and sign's in the office so patient's know, but what are they going to do for Aiden? Announce that he's here and not say anything more? Ignore it ever happened unless patients ask? - Will I be able to explain to patient's that yes I had a beautiful little boy who was very very sick and went to be with Jesus? Is that what's going to happen? Will he be born and live and I'll be terrified to leave his side because I don't want to miss a moment of his amazing life? How would they explain that to my patients? I'm home taking care of my son how's extremely sick? - Would I still have a job? - I have millions of questions floating around in my head right now, and I guess the one that rings clearer then any of the rest is - What will my patients be told? The thought of it not being mentioned at all is I think the most devastating of all the options, mainly because it makes Aiden into a dirty little secret and that's simply not acceptable, I've worked so hard to make sure that every moment of his life is documented and appreciated and never forgotten. I want people to know that he is my son and the most amazing little boy ever imagined, he's our everything, I just wish everyone else could understand.

Every time I find myself on my knee's I find myself pleading with God again begging that Aiden not be taken away so soon, that we have many many year's with him, plenty of time, not just 4 weeks.

Today the doctor asked about delivery and how we wanted everything to go… We’ve sat down with Becky from String of Pearls and discussed a birth plan, we have a draft of it. But when the doctor asked me that question I felt like saying we had agreed on this, but that’s not what I want at all. The doctors can tell me a million times that nothing I do can help him, but I can’t help but feel like it could and that I should do everything possible for him. They say that having a caesarian birth wouldn’t help or improve Aiden’s chances, but my heart says that if he’s having a hard time with natural birth then yes it does. They say that intubation wont help him if it’s needed, but my heart says that if he can’t eat on his own no way in hell am I going to let him starve to death. I know with my brain that his chances aren’t good and that all of this could be just prolonging the inevitable, but my heart says take whatever measures necessary to take care of him.

I guess I just have to go back to my original prayer that none of these things are things that we or the doctors have to decide… 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Take What You Want From Me

After our Doctors appointment on Monday it sunk in for Shawn and I that Aiden's due date is only five weeks and three days away (Then six weeks). It sunk in that if the Doctors are right then that's all the time we have left with Aiden. It breaks my heart to even think that way, I can't imagine our lives without him, and I never want to find out what it's like.

Aiden is what keeps me going every day, he's the reason I pull myself outta bed and go to work. I'm so terrified that we're going to lose him and there's nothing that can be done. But at the same time I know that if God chooses to taken Aiden to be with him it's because he needed to, because it's what's best for him. I just don't want to have to love my baby from a far, I want him here with me.

I've been thinking a lot lately about where I was a year ago, I begged and pleaded everyday that God would give me a child, someone I could mother, who was completely and solely dependant on me. I wanted so very desperately to be a mother, I never even considered that sometimes being a mother doesn't always mean that your child is here with you. I didn't even imagine that things like this could happen, I always thought that you get pregnant you carry the baby for 9 months and then you give birth and take home a baby and raise them. It never occurred to me that many women get pregnant and for 9 months their the best mothers, they give birth and don't take home a baby because theirs went to be with Jesus. - These are some of best mothers in my opinion because they have to except that sometimes only God knows what's best for us and our children. Their the one's that had to cling to God every step of the way and know that it's all HIS will and trust completely and solely in HIM. So all that while I was praying for someone to be completely dependant on me, I should have been working on making myself completely dependant on God. All things good and bad come from him, we don't accomplish anything on our own, all things come from God.

I've been listening a lot to this song Impossible by Anberlin, I'm pretty sure it's about a break up but in some weird way it speaks to me and my situation. The chorus is "I'm impossible to figure out, so impossible you had your doubts, Take what you want from me, it means nothing now, take everything you wanted, it means nothing now, not so easy to forgive, harder to forget, taken what you what from me"

The other song that I've been replaying all day is Love The Way You Lie by Eminem and Rhianna again I'm pretty sure it's another break up song but it speaks to what I'm feeling "Ever love someone so much you can barely breath when your with them...Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that’s all right because I like the way it hurts, just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that’s all right because I love the way you lie, love the way you lie"

I guess lately I kinda feel like I have nothing left, do whatever you want to me because nothing is worse or harder then facing this, and I know that God is working in everything so even these mountains that seem way to high and hard to climb I can and will with HIS help. I've never felt more strong in my faith than I have going through all of this, I trust completely that while I may have no idea what God's divine plans are for me and my son, I know that HE will be glorified through them. So whether Aiden is born and shortly after goes to be with Jesus as the doctors all predict, or he's born and through a miracle of God he stays for many many years and is a living testimony to God's glory as we hope and pray every day, God will always come first in Aiden's life, he will always be just as dependant on God as I am now and that's the best blessing and hope that any parent can have for their children.

Much love, lots of tears
- Aiden's Mommy

Monday, October 4, 2010


End of September - Beginning of October has been a very busy time. We've had Doctor's appt's, getting ready for a baby shower, a baby shower, cleaning up after a baby shower, and Shawn's birthday is tomorrow, we're running all over it seems.

Aiden's baby shower was on October 2nd we had a big turn out and had a lot of fun celebrating with all of our friends and family. It was a wonderful time for everyone who was able to come! P.S. I think we got enough food! LOL Thank you to everyone who brought something, if you'd like some cake please let us know cause we have enough to feed a small village. LOL

Today we had Aiden's doctors appt at the Perinatal Resource center. We got a lot of good news first and foremost being that while I've been very concerned in the last week that I might be getting close to being put on bed rest the doctor doesn't think I'm in danger on pre-term labor. I've been having more frequent and stronger braxton hicks contractions after being on my feet for over an hour, however they do go away once I rest. Also in the past days I've had a lot of discomfort in my pelvic area while walking and standing and a feeling like my hips are spreading apart (Now you see why I was getting worried!?!?!). Doctor says not to worry in the last two weeks Aiden has turned head down, the pelvic pressure I've been feeling is because the little one hasn't been in that area before now so it's a new pulling sensation I'm not used to. He says the braxton hicks are normal and not to be worried about them as my cervix is long, thick, and no where close to being dilating, which in normal speak mean's they've had no effect on my cervix and as long as I rest and get off my feet when I have the stronger one's more frequently, there's no need for bed rest for now. Second my placenta has moved another centameter meaning that while still slightly covering my cervix it's not to the point that I would have to have a C-section for fear of internal bleeding. Third I already mentioned but Aiden has managed to turn head down (Not the worlds most comfortable thing) which mean's he's exactly the way he needs to be for a healthy natural delivery.

However we did get some not so great news, because we haven't seen Aiden's stomach bubble on any of the ultrasounds it's likely that he either doesn't have a connection between his oesophagus and stomach or he has something blocking his oesophagus causing him to to have a swallowing problem. The swallowing problem is causing him to create more amniotic fluid then normal. At our last last appt we were on the high side of normal for amniotic fluid, but still within the normal limit's. At this appt we were slightly above the normal limit which mean's that it's increased in the last three weeks. The doctor said that having a higher than normal amniotic fluid is slightly dangerous for mother and baby and there are a few things that we can do. First is nothing leave everything alone and when I go into labor I go into labor. The down side is that I will probably go into labor around 36 weeks and there is a chance that when my water breaks the umbilical cord could wash out with the fluid and Aiden could die instantly because of it being kinked meaning I would need C-section immediately. Another scenario would be the placenta pulling away from the wall of the uterus causing bleeding meaning I would need a c-section immediately. Second is to do another amniocentesis this time to remove access fluid. Down side is it's extremely uncomfortable and if I have a contraction during the procedure extremely painful. Also there is always a chance that the needle could rupture the amniotic sac meaning I would need C-section immediately. - As of now their not concerned about any of those things as my levels are just barely above the normal range, however if they continue to rise it will be an issue.

All the way around we're very happy Aiden is growing and we both seem to be doing very well. We just have to pray just like everything else that God moves thing's in the direction that he deems fit. It's all in God's hand's and we pray that it's not a decision that we or anyone else has to make, that we never come to that bridge. Just as we pray that we never have to chose c-section v.s. natural, we pray we never have to chose how to deal with the access amniotic fluid.

Much love