Sunday, March 27, 2011

A Winner At The Losing Game

Lately things for us have been such an emotional roller coaster. One day we’re being told that we’re going to have to see the Reproductive Endocrinologist because the fertility medication that they put me on didn’t work. Telling us that because it didn’t work and caused me to rupture a cyst and possibly make my Endometrioses worse the RE was probably going to do injections and IUI. The next week telling us that it did work and I ovulated two eggs, a few days later finding out I’m pregnant and since it’s detectable so early and I ovulated more then one egg it’s probably twins. The next week going in for a beta to find out how their doing if the pregnancy is progressing only to find out that it’s on it’s way down and not up. To starting to bleed and miscarry. The next day leaving work to go to the doctor to find out that the miscarriage is almost complete and the beta is back to 0. Having blood drawn to find out why I’m what they call a habitual misscarrier. Starting Clomid again at a higher dose to try to get me to ovulate sooner while waiting for the test results back. Waiting over a week for the results only for them to say they didn’t see anything that everything appeared to be normal. To realizing after hanging up with the nurse that the results would be squed because I’ve been taking baby asprin, calling back and the nurse saying she doesn’t think it would matter since the Dr. didn’t note it.

So basically I’m back to wear I started only one more miscarriage under my belt and no explanation as to why all of this keeps happing. I’m so frustrated with everything in my life right now. I feel like every time things start to look up something comes crashing back down on my head. I’ve started to feel like I’m a winner at a losing game, I get a new job only to find out I need to find another, I get pregnant after trying for almost 5 months only to miscarry. I go to interviews that go really well only not to get any calls back for weeks which means I‘m stuck there for another month.

In times like these it’s easy to let the Devil whisper in your ear and tell you your not good enough, things will never work out, it’s all your fault. But God reminds us that while things aren’t going our way right now it doesn’t mean they wont ever. He reminds us that he never promised that our lives would be easy or go smoothly, He never promised that we wouldn’t face trouble. In fact He promised us the exact opposite, that our lives would be hard, but that they would glorify Him and ultimately that’s what we’re here for isn’t it. So as the song says, Bring On The Rain. We have to stay strong in our faith no mater what is going on around us, we have to know and trust that God is in control, that his intentions are hidden from us yes, but that it doesn’t mean that their not pure. God knows that our heart are prone to wonder, and sometimes He has to reign us back in, bring us back to our knees to remind us that He is really in control not us.

So if your feeling like I am like everything is all wrong, just remember that God is in control, and while it seems like we’re in the wrong place, God’s telling us we’re right where we need to be.