Sunday, December 19, 2010

Our God is An Awesome God

Sorry it’s been a while since I updated, I’ve been pre-occupied with driving myself crazy, praying fervently, and feeling sorry for myself with stupid TTC. Have I ever mentioned just how much I hate TTC, it makes me a crazy person, I can’t even help myself I have to know and it drives me insane. It’s the one area where as much as I self minister that I have to let go and put it in God’s hand’s, I always find myself clinging to any possible hope, and going to the extreme to find out what’s going on.

On November 29th a dear friend from high schools son Leo was born, unfortunately he was born with two different heart defects and passed away shortly after. It’s incredibly hard to see someone you know start to walk this road, but it gave me a chance to share with them the knowledge and peace that I had been given by people who had walked the journey before me. Their beautiful little boy is absolutely amazing, and I’m glad that they are strong in their faith and have seen Gods grace and received His peace.

Recently my Grandfather James McCormick passed away, he had been in the hospital in Florida, suffering from pneumonia and mini strokes for a few weeks. I’m deeply saddened that he passed away, that I can‘t see him anymore, and that I never got a chance to say goodbye or how much I loved and respected him, but I rejoice that he is in God’s arms now and has been healed. I also rejoice that Aiden get’s to have his great grandfather there to take care of him. My Grandfather took such great care of me when I was younger and I’m grateful that Aiden gets to experience what I had when I was a kid. I’m grateful that both of them are with Jesus and have eternal sunshine and love in HIM, the Lord of all.

Last Saturday my dear sweet husband and I spent the evening shopping for baby clothes for the first time since we ever found out that Aiden was “Not compatible with life”. It was very emotionally trying, every time we’d find something cute and I’d think that it would have been adorable on OUR son. I also had a hard time with it because when ever Shawn would pick something out I had to put it in the basket to be bought, but not necessarily to be given to our nephew (the whole reason we were there), but to be kept for our next child, because Shawn (Daddy) had picked it out. If you haven’t walked the road that we have this may sound incredibly selfish and silly since we‘re not even expecting. But it’s not that we were feeling selfish in fact we were only there out of love for our nephew (Trust me, if it was any other baby it would have been a very long time before we could have even thought about buying clothes or toys for them). Walking into a children’s clothing store so recently after having lost a child is the cruelest reminder that you’ll never buy anymore clothes or toys for your child, that they will never wear the ones you already have, it‘s like being jabbed in the gut with an incredibly sharp knife. You look at all of the clothes, and toys and think “Aiden would have loved that”. Every time I’d think to myself that I needed to leave, that this wasn’t helping in any way, it wasn‘t healthy, I’d have to remind myself that I loved my nephew and wanted to send him clothes. I’d have to remind myself, that I don’t ever want him or my brother and sister in law to think that we don’t love him/them, or that we resent him/them because he and Aiden were due around the same time and he was healthy and Aiden wasn‘t. I want him/them to know that as hard as it is for us because Aiden isn’t here and he wasn‘t healthy, we still love Donovan very much, he’s our nephew.

Donovan James was born on December 15th to his wonderful parents Patrick and Michelle McCormick. Shawn and I are so very happy and excited for them that their sweet baby boy finally arrived (In traditional McCormick style…After his due date. LOL). He is a big, healthy, sweet baby boy. I haven’t spoken much to my brother or sister in law since he was born, but from what I have, they are all doing well and settling into their lives together. I’m so grateful that they are both God fearing adults who will hold their children and read to them God’s word.

Lately we’ve been feeling very heavy because we haven’t spoken to important people lately, it saddens my heart in a way that is indescribable. I’m so deeply saddened that some people in our lives have maybe felt that they couldn’t talk to us, for fear that they might “rub it in” or “make it worse”. Sadly there are a lot of people that Shawn and I considered ourselves to be very close to, that we haven’t heard much from. This is almost devastating because we love all of these people very much and could use their presence in our lives especially now.

Everything TTC has made me slightly insane lately, I have this insatiable need to be a mother, to have a live healthy baby in my arms, crying for my attention. I’ve been peeing on sticks and staring line onto them for a week now, unfortunately it doesn’t work that way, it’s not our decision to be pregnant, it’s God’s.

One of my patients from a new patient appreciation day sent me a gift late last week. I hadn’t spoken to them about Aiden (frankly we didn’t have time, LOL), but they knew about him because one of my co-workers is in a prayer circle with them. The bag they sent had a necklace with a circle locket. On the front of the locket is hearts, inside it has Aiden’s name on one side, and on the other it says Always in my heart, on the back it has his birthday. I almost cried when I saw the locket, it was such a selfless act that meant so much to me. A true example of a person of God, someone who is completely giving to someone they don’t even know. The bag also had a book “I will carry you” by Angie Smith. I didn’t really pay much attention to the book at first (to distracted with the locket), but once I did I realized that I was familiar with the story. I had read her blog when I first found out about Aiden’s diagnosis, there was a link to it from the string or pearls website.

The book is amazing,  it’s like she’s writing everything that’s in my heart, pouring it onto the pages. It’s amazing to me how much God has been ministering to all of us through these challenging months and years for some. He has an amazing plan for all of us and our sweet children, He is and will be glorified through them and these trials that he has given us. I’m so very grateful for his presence in our lives. I’ve said it a million times before, but I’m not really sure how people don’t believe in Him or try to deny Him. In the book it talks a lot about the story of Lazarus and how Martha and Mary sent word to Jesus that their brother was sick. It talks about how they never told Jesus that he needed to do anything, they simply sent word “Lord, the one you love is sick”. She talks about how this passage in particular ministered to her during her pregnancy, and it ministers to me now. She talks about how instinctually we run to God and tell him what we want Him to do, and it’s completely true. I’m not saying that telling God what we want isn’t good, in fact in the bible it talks about how God wants us to let him in, to even though God knows our hearts and our every desires, tell him everything that we are thinking, our deepest secretes and desires. But it does make me think about the way I approach Him some times, I tend to come to God with my heart on my sleeve, but not all of it I guard the inmost pains, and instead of waiting to see what His response will be to my heart ache, I tell Him what I think the response should be.

The other night we were reading “Our Daily Bread” and it led us to 1 Corinthians 4-13.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I’ve decided that this is Aiden’s verse, it is everything that God taught to us through Aiden, it’s everything that was accomplished through Aiden, and it’s the very way God is being glorified through Aiden.

Our God is an awesome God, and I’m grateful to be in His presence and to have Him in control of my life. Without God we have nothing.

Thank you Abba


Monday, December 6, 2010

Starting Over

Well It's official we're starting over with trying to conceive (TTC) in hopes that we will be able to give Aiden some siblings here on earth. It's a nerve wrecking decision because there are so many things that (in my mind) could go wrong, but at the same time there are a lot of people who have perfectly normal healthy babies.

I'm doing my best to not put to much effort into getting pregnant again. But it's hard not to, I'm so incredibly obbsessed with getting pregnant again and having a healthy baby this time. It doesn't help that I have no idea whats going on with my body. Last time we were TTC I knew what was going on because I had had a period and knew when my cycle had started. Now I have no idea.

I bought some ovulation detectors (OPK's) but their not really helping shed any light on the situation. The way they work is they pick up LH in your urine which rises as your body gears up and then is at it's peak when you ovulate. It looks similar to a pregnancy test where it has two lines a control line and a test line. right before ovulation the tests will show lines but they wont be dark, the day of ovulation the line is dark and the same or darker then the control line. The day after ovulation the line will lighter again, and idealy eventually go away.

On Sat I took an OPK and it had a light line, on Sun I took another late in the evening and it was neg, Today I took another and it has a light line again. LOL I think my body is toying with me! In the past I would sit and obsess over it, now I'm just hoping that my body has O'd. Mainly because I want my body to start my cycles again to give us a chance to get pregnant again.

I've prayed a lot about TTC and being pregnant again, and I've decided that when God is ready he will give us another baby. It will happen when it's meant to, and as hard as it is for me not to know whats going on with my body, it's all in God's hands.

I'm just going to have to keep reminding myself that God is in complete control and when it's time he will give us more children.