Thursday, September 23, 2010


Lately I've gotten so stressed with a million and two things. I swear every time I start to relax and look forward to a day of just sitting at home with my husband and relaxing watching shows and movie's and not doing anything but spend time together, something comes up. Now don't get me wrong most of it is wonderful stuff like kids birthday parties, but there have been a few times where some how we get mixed up in the middle of someones epic mess and have to spend the weekend cleaning up/stressing over their mess. Now toss in not sleeping very well because your simply uncomfortable and have trouble getting comfortable, work being come and go (Working till 8 almost every night one week then only getting scheduled 2 days the next and finding out it's gonna happen again in 2 weeks, getting screwed on your days off even though you have seniority, getting harassed because it's a pain in the ass that you have so many doctors appt's, which if they'd leave your days off alone there wouldn't be a conflict), getting medical bill's at least bi-weekly because our insurance isn't capable of processing claims correctly so I have to audit everything they do and call to get it resolved, finding out some of those bill's are actually owed because even though the insurance told us it wouldn't be that way it is, realizing that that little mistake is going to cost you about $700 just for visits you've already had and the doctor still wants you to see that specialist till you deliver, realizing that insurance told you the wrong thing about hospital cost's for delivery as well so instead of being $500 it's going to be $1000, then add in being asked to start making arrangements ahead of time for if Aiden doesn't make it so the hospital can call the mortuary when the time is right, realizing how expensive those arrangements are going to be, at the exact same time planning a baby shower, being itchy as hell because amazingly you've been pre-destined to have the worst pregnancy ever imagined and have developed PUPPS which gives you a lovely rash covering 2/3 of your body and will stay and possibly get worse until you deliver, then toss in that every time you see a doctor they stress to you to look for sign's of pre-term labor and pre-clampsia because you could go into labor any time, then you start getting head aches every day (the leading sign of pre-clampsia causing pre-term labor), Oh and because your so wrapped up in being so stressed about all of this not remembering when the last time you felt Aiden move so stressing because he hasn't moved in a while, then add in people giving you absolutely ridiculously bad advice when you try to vent because either they really have no clue how bad their advice is or weren't really sure what to say, stressing because if that's the advice they give how big of a mess have they gotten themselves into that at some point your going to have to help them with, then being mad at yourself for having not signed up for the classes you swore you were going to start this fall because for some insane reason you think you need more on your plate right now, All the while getting upset at yourself for being to stressed because you know it's not good for Aiden, so basically your stressed about being stressed because it's not good for the baby and how horrible of a mother you are because you can't seem to make it all stop, thinking " if this is what pregnancy is like for me, do I really want to do this ever again?", then realizing that honestly I love being pregnant it's just all this other crap that's ruined it and who's to say it all happens again next time, oh and then throw in thinking that I probably wouldn't mind being this stressed about all of this if things were going to have a different out come, if I was going to be leaving the hospital with a healthy baby it'd be much easier not to get so worked up, then feeling horrible for thinking that way. - Yep this is just all the thing's I'm stressed about that came up in 1 minute of thinking about what I'm stressed about. Trust me if I really sat and thought about it there's much much more. -How the heck we're going to afford Christmas, -Screw Christmas how are we going to pay our bill's while I'm off, -Can we really commit ourselves to anything in the next month and half, -What will happen next, -If I'd gotten off my butt and gone to school sooner we wouldn't have to worry about all these medical bills or time off, we'd be much better off financially. - I could go on and on all day I'm sure!

Well not to worry the doctor says that the head aches (migraines actually) are most likely just because I'm so stressed about everything in the world, and possibly from dehydration a little bit as well, but mostly stress. So I'm doing the very best I can possibly do not to let things faze me anymore because if I keep going the way I am, I'm going to cause myself to go into pre-term labor from being so stressed. Ultimately my plan is to ignore the things that stress me out and have faith that it's all in God's hands and he knows what he's doing, God will provide for us. I just need to "Be still and know that I am God", before I cause myself to go into labor or go insane.

Honestly sometimes I have to stop and reflect in how everything has changed in the last 3 months, how much Shawn and I have changed, how dreams we never realized we had were smashed, how from out of no where we came up with all the strength in the world, how our futures have changed forever all from one little boy, everything changed  and not just in our lives, but everyone around us. It's amazing that God would chose such a small little person to change everything, even more amazing that somehow HE has given us the privilege of saying that we're his parents.

This has been a word from your very loving, insanely stressed out but trying not to be, pregnant person.
Have a wonderful day! LOL

Friday, September 10, 2010

I think you should know

Lately Shawn and I have been debating whether or not to have a baby shower. It's making me insane with anxiety because I wasn't planning on it. I was just not going to have one and hope that no one noticed. Sadly you have all noticed and started asking about it. We still haven't made a decision and may decide to or may decide not to, but I feel compelled to share what I'm feeling in regard to it so that you can all understand why it's such a hard decision for me.

Most baby showers are spent giving gift's like onsie's, diapers, highchair's, strollers, baby care items, eating food and talking about the parents hopes and dream's for the child soon to be born. For Aiden while Shawn and I are so hopeful that he would use all of those things, we have to admit that there is a very good chance that he will never come home. All of those items would be set into his nursery and we would close the door until we had another child, and then we would have to let go and say those items weren't just for Aiden, it's not bad for another child to use them. All that talk of hopes and dreams for the child soon to be born is talking about hoping that he's with us longer then a day. Hoping that he's born alive and we each get to hold him and love on him before he goes to be with Jesus. - As you can see this is very painful to think about, and for me is the last thing I'd want to spend an afternoon doing. Also please understand that not only do we cry over those gifts when their given, but we spend hours afterwards being upset because we know that he most likely wont ever use them.

You're all aware that Shawn and I decided that we were going to Cherish every moment that we have with him, because we understand that he may not be here long, I don't want to spend an entire afternoon crying over something that hasn't happened yet. I know that it is going to happen (we all go to be with Jesus at some point, Aiden will most likely go sooner then any of us), but it hasn't yet so there's no need for tears now.

I also look at it from the point of view that you keep asking about it because you want to be involved, you want to Cherish him to. You want to be there for us and show us that you love him too, and we want you to to be there and show your love. It's just hard because so much of the time questions are asked or things are said that while not meant in a hurtful way, they cut like glass. Honestly Shawn and I have become recluses lately because it's so hard to see people, we have to wonder if they know, how much do they know or understand and then brace ourselves to hear "I'm so sorry, you can always have more kids after this". Or even better there are the people who don't say anything even to the point of ignoring that I'm pregnant, like if they don't acknowledge Aiden it never happened.  Please understand that Shawn and I completely understand all of this, we've been on the other side, you don't know what to say, it hurts you to, you don't understand why or how this could be happening, you feel like you need to do something to help. But having been on both sides, please understand that you can address Aiden ask how Mr. Aiden is doing today without asking about his diagnoses or what the doctors are saying, you can come rub my belly tell Aiden that you love him, talk to me about how active he is or how I'm feeling without making it negative. Don't feel like you have to ask about his diagnoses, if Shawn or I want to talk about it we'll bring it up, on the same hand don't think that because we don't bring it up it's something against you, it's just painful very painful we don't talk about the future very much because it's the present not the future. Sometimes it's honestly easier for us to be around people who don't know because they address the situation so much differently then other people do, instead of asking about his diagnoses or any of that, they ask if they can rub my belly, if he's kicking, if they could feel him kick, when he's due, what his name is. Their so excited, it almost makes it easier.

I very much want people to participate and love Aiden as much as Shawn and I do, but I'm also very guarded with Shawn, Aiden and myself. I think that if you're going to be a  part of any of our lives it needs to be positive, we don't need any help being depressed but we do need people being positive with us. We need people to remember that Aiden is a person, our little person and we love him with all of our hearts he's our son and could never be replaced, we only wish that everyone could see him the way we do. He's such an amazing little man, such a blessing, such a wonderful thing, truly a gift from God.  Just imagine how you acted before you ever knew that Aiden was sick, you were excited and happy for us and him. Try to find that excitement again, it's to easy to dwell on how hard this situation is, but it's also easy to remember that there's still an amazing little boy growing in my belly.

I guess what I'm asking is whether we decide to have a baby shower or not, please know that we want you to be here and we very much appreciate all of your support and love for all of us. Please know that while sometimes things are said or done that hurt us un-intentionally, we don't hold it against you even if we're angry at that moment, we do understand and forgive because unless you've gone through this you'd never understand, and we hope and pray that none of you ever get the chance to understand. I'm asking that you not be afraid to talk to us, that you remember how happy you were before you knew he was sick and keep that excitement when you think or talk about him. Try to remember that nothing has happened yet, for now Aiden is here with all of us, there's no need for tears or I'm sorry's he's still with us, let's show him how much we love him and how happy and blessed we are that he's come to be with us.

We love you all, and hope that no one takes offense to anything I say. I told you from the start that I was going to be brutally honest and not hold back because I want to be honest with all of you, I want you to understand as best you can and the only way for that to happen is for us to be honest.

As an update, today Aiden has been very wiggly and is currently telling me it's food time LOL! We have a doctors appointment this afternoon to check his heart beat and test me for pregnancy related diabetes. We're hoping that the test comes back negative but, are told that even if it doesn't it's not a big deal just a change in eating habits for the remainder of the pregnancy. We've also found out recently that the rash that I started to get while in California that I thought was just from an allergic reaction, is most likely PUPPS a pregnancy related rash that I guess is fairly common, unfortunately it means I will probably have the rash on my belly until after Aiden is born. I guess it has to do with the way my body is reacting to certain pregnancy hormones. We also have a doctors appointment on Monday with Swedish for an ultrasound, I'm kinda nervous because we're going to the hospital not the Perinatal Center so again it's all new staff and I'm afraid of the things that they may say that would be hurtful. Over all though we're excited, we get to hear Aiden's heart this afternoon then on Monday we get to see him which is always a treat! I love every peek we get into his little world!

Much love,
Jessie M

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Aiden's Turtle

Our trip to California was wonderful, we loved getting to see Pat and Michelle and are so excited that Michelle is officially a member of our family! We had a great time catching up with my grandparents and going to the beach. Aiden really enjoyed his first visit to California. Pat and Michelle's wedding was absolutely beautiful I couldn't have imagined a better wedding!

On our last day in California we went to lunch with my mom, brother and new sister in law. At lunch and brother and sister in law gave us a gift for Aiden, that we have become permanently attached to. They gave us a little stuffed sea turtle that Shawn and I have deemed Aidens turtle. Every time we got in the car and we could sit down after that, Aiden's turtle sat on my belly next to Aiden or in Shawn or I's hands. We now have Aiden's turtle with us everywhere we go in the house and sleep with him next to Aiden every night.. Even our cat's are aware of how important the turtle is, they like to rub faces with it and unlike everything else on the bed, they leave the turtle alone except to rub faces.

During our trip I came to the realization that a lot of what I was so excited about going to California for was that in my mind everything was some how perfect there. All of my family was there, the ocean was there, and somehow in my mind Aiden wasn't sick there. Half way through our trip I realized that sadly while the other parts of my fantasy were true, the last part was not. Even if we stayed there forever things wouldn't change it wouldn't make a difference. The same thing would happen there as it did here, it'd just happen in California not Colorado.

Another thing that I've become way to attached to is the idea of having bracelets with his name on them. While we were tourist shopping we noticed that one of the stores sold those rubber bracelets with names on them. Sadly they didn't have Aiden, so as soon as we got home I went online and ordered custom ones for Shawn and I that have his full name on them. I've decided that once he's born we'll order more with his name and date of birth on them, I figure if everyone pitches in we can get enough for all of our friends and family to have one. Something to remember Aiden with, something to remind everyone that our beautiful little boy was here. Maybe we could bring more attention to his condition, maybe make more people aware that this could happen to anyone, that more research is needed to help prevent or treat this.

After coming to my realization on the trip, I started to think again about things that have been said. Things like we'll need to start thinking about how we want for things to go once we get to the hospital, start to pack the hospital bag and make sure that everything we want there is in the bag. This was possibly the saddest thing to think about. Normally when people think about packing their hospital bag, it's not imperative that they make sure that everything they deem important for the baby makes it in the bag, they could always send someone to get whatever they forgot. Or they normally get to pick out a few of their favorite outfits to bring with them to the hospital, how are we supposed to pick just one. Just one outfit that he'll wear, the one outfit we'll ever actually get to see him in. We bought lot's of outfits for him before we knew what was going to happen, outfits we both really liked Or what about the outfits that other people have given us, the monkey onsie, or happy turtle onsie from Pat and Michelle. But now we have to pick just one, have to make sure that the blanket we bought the first week we knew we were pregnant is there, that the photo frame with clay insert for hand prints is there, that Aidens turtle is there. That all of the people that we love are there because this is their only chance to see our son, if they aren't there they'll miss it, they'll miss him.