Lately Shawn and I have been debating whether or not to have a baby shower. It's making me insane with anxiety because I wasn't planning on it. I was just not going to have one and hope that no one noticed. Sadly you have all noticed and started asking about it. We still haven't made a decision and may decide to or may decide not to, but I feel compelled to share what I'm feeling in regard to it so that you can all understand why it's such a hard decision for me.
Most baby showers are spent giving gift's like onsie's, diapers, highchair's, strollers, baby care items, eating food and talking about the parents hopes and dream's for the child soon to be born. For Aiden while Shawn and I are so hopeful that he would use all of those things, we have to admit that there is a very good chance that he will never come home. All of those items would be set into his nursery and we would close the door until we had another child, and then we would have to let go and say those items weren't just for Aiden, it's not bad for another child to use them. All that talk of hopes and dreams for the child soon to be born is talking about hoping that he's with us longer then a day. Hoping that he's born alive and we each get to hold him and love on him before he goes to be with Jesus. - As you can see this is very painful to think about, and for me is the last thing I'd want to spend an afternoon doing. Also please understand that not only do we cry over those gifts when their given, but we spend hours afterwards being upset because we know that he most likely wont ever use them.
You're all aware that Shawn and I decided that we were going to Cherish every moment that we have with him, because we understand that he may not be here long, I don't want to spend an entire afternoon crying over something that hasn't happened yet. I know that it is going to happen (we all go to be with Jesus at some point, Aiden will most likely go sooner then any of us), but it hasn't yet so there's no need for tears now.
I also look at it from the point of view that you keep asking about it because you want to be involved, you want to Cherish him to. You want to be there for us and show us that you love him too, and we want you to to be there and show your love. It's just hard because so much of the time questions are asked or things are said that while not meant in a hurtful way, they cut like glass. Honestly Shawn and I have become recluses lately because it's so hard to see people, we have to wonder if they know, how much do they know or understand and then brace ourselves to hear "I'm so sorry, you can always have more kids after this". Or even better there are the people who don't say anything even to the point of ignoring that I'm pregnant, like if they don't acknowledge Aiden it never happened. Please understand that Shawn and I completely understand all of this, we've been on the other side, you don't know what to say, it hurts you to, you don't understand why or how this could be happening, you feel like you need to do something to help. But having been on both sides, please understand that you can address Aiden ask how Mr. Aiden is doing today without asking about his diagnoses or what the doctors are saying, you can come rub my belly tell Aiden that you love him, talk to me about how active he is or how I'm feeling without making it negative. Don't feel like you have to ask about his diagnoses, if Shawn or I want to talk about it we'll bring it up, on the same hand don't think that because we don't bring it up it's something against you, it's just painful very painful we don't talk about the future very much because it's the present not the future. Sometimes it's honestly easier for us to be around people who don't know because they address the situation so much differently then other people do, instead of asking about his diagnoses or any of that, they ask if they can rub my belly, if he's kicking, if they could feel him kick, when he's due, what his name is. Their so excited, it almost makes it easier.
I very much want people to participate and love Aiden as much as Shawn and I do, but I'm also very guarded with Shawn, Aiden and myself. I think that if you're going to be a part of any of our lives it needs to be positive, we don't need any help being depressed but we do need people being positive with us. We need people to remember that Aiden is a person, our little person and we love him with all of our hearts he's our son and could never be replaced, we only wish that everyone could see him the way we do. He's such an amazing little man, such a blessing, such a wonderful thing, truly a gift from God. Just imagine how you acted before you ever knew that Aiden was sick, you were excited and happy for us and him. Try to find that excitement again, it's to easy to dwell on how hard this situation is, but it's also easy to remember that there's still an amazing little boy growing in my belly.
I guess what I'm asking is whether we decide to have a baby shower or not, please know that we want you to be here and we very much appreciate all of your support and love for all of us. Please know that while sometimes things are said or done that hurt us un-intentionally, we don't hold it against you even if we're angry at that moment, we do understand and forgive because unless you've gone through this you'd never understand, and we hope and pray that none of you ever get the chance to understand. I'm asking that you not be afraid to talk to us, that you remember how happy you were before you knew he was sick and keep that excitement when you think or talk about him. Try to remember that nothing has happened yet, for now Aiden is here with all of us, there's no need for tears or I'm sorry's he's still with us, let's show him how much we love him and how happy and blessed we are that he's come to be with us.
We love you all, and hope that no one takes offense to anything I say. I told you from the start that I was going to be brutally honest and not hold back because I want to be honest with all of you, I want you to understand as best you can and the only way for that to happen is for us to be honest.
As an update, today Aiden has been very wiggly and is currently telling me it's food time LOL! We have a doctors appointment this afternoon to check his heart beat and test me for pregnancy related diabetes. We're hoping that the test comes back negative but, are told that even if it doesn't it's not a big deal just a change in eating habits for the remainder of the pregnancy. We've also found out recently that the rash that I started to get while in California that I thought was just from an allergic reaction, is most likely PUPPS a pregnancy related rash that I guess is fairly common, unfortunately it means I will probably have the rash on my belly until after Aiden is born. I guess it has to do with the way my body is reacting to certain pregnancy hormones. We also have a doctors appointment on Monday with Swedish for an ultrasound, I'm kinda nervous because we're going to the hospital not the Perinatal Center so again it's all new staff and I'm afraid of the things that they may say that would be hurtful. Over all though we're excited, we get to hear Aiden's heart this afternoon then on Monday we get to see him which is always a treat! I love every peek we get into his little world!