Thursday, November 11, 2010

Words from a broken heart

It’s been 6 days since we said goodbye to Aiden, it seems like eternity but at the same time like it was yesterday. Grieving is such an odd process, it doesn’t really follow an exact timeline or guide. They tell you what to expect but it really comes in waives. One day you’re a complete mess and can’t do anything without losing it, the next you cry some but their mostly happy tears and you have peace.  God has truly blessed us with our grief because he’s given us peace to know that while our hearts ache because Aiden is gone, we know that he is in heaven and that he’s safe, healthy and happy there, we know that he is completely healed and knows no pain or sorrow.

My body hurts in so many ways it’s ridicules seems like all of my lady parts have deeply betrayed me. Between the searing pain, bleeding and the fact that my body is producing more then enough milk for a baby with no baby to feed, it’s easy to feel that some how it’s all just a cruel joke. The doctor says that I should heal soon (physically) and I shouldn’t hurt for much longer, maybe another week. She told us that we could start trying again as soon as my body has completely healed and I get a natural period. I keep going back and forth in my head, some days I can’t wait to get pregnant again to move forward and on to brighter times, others I think I’m not ready to go through this again, I’ll be terrified the entire pregnancy there will never be a time when I’m not afraid that something will happen, other days I think to myself that maybe I have nothing to worry about because it may never happen again, just look at my track record. Inside my head is a slurry of incredibly painful thoughts with occasional glances of happiness or at least what I think used to be happiness, found memories of talking, singing, dancing and most of all loving Aiden.

It’s easy to be depressed and say that I should be there too, that it isn’t fair for me to be here without him, that we should both be in heaven together because it isn’t fair for him to be here and suffering. But I know all to well that I’m here for a reason that I have to be here for the rest of my family and to give Aiden bothers and sisters. God has a purpose for all of our pain and will deliver us from our sorrow.  

On Tuesday Shawn went to the junk yard to get parts for his car (I think more to get out of this house, out of his head and do something that made him feel normal, not sad), while he was gone I decided to do laundry, I walked down the basement steps and saw his stroller and car seat and had to move it. I decided a long time ago that only certain items that we have for a baby were specifically Aiden’s because I was afraid that if we did lose him I would never be able to see those items again. I decided that really and truly the only items that were specifically his were the sea turtle from my brother, the bat I bought, the baby clothes that Shawn and I bought specifically to take to the hospital, and the baby blanket I bought for him the first few weeks I knew I was pregnant. So having said all that while the other items are not Aiden’s they are very painful reminders that Aiden never came home and used them, so I decided to put all of that into his nursery, put it somewhere it’s safe and wont get messed up or dirty, but also somewhere I don’t have to see it every time I try to do something. Once I had moved all the baby things upstairs into the nursery I felt the urge to put away all of the baby clothes and sheets that weren’t on the crib and toys, I grabbed boxes from the basement and set to it. I set my phone up and started listening to music starting with all of the songs that remind me of Aiden just as a tribute, as I was cleaning my phone was shuffling through music and came to a recording I had made of Aiden’s heart beat. I stopped and sobbed as hard as I think I could have possibly sobbed, I felt like everything inside of me was shattering, like my blood turned to glass and was cutting as it beat through my system.

Yesterday Shawn and I decided to go get tattoos of Aiden’s name and birthday. We had talked ever since we found out the Aiden wasn’t going to be here for very long, that we would go and get tattoos together . Aiden has had such an impact in ours and other peoples lives that we wanted a permanent reminder spelled out in ink that he was here and he was loved, mostly for us, but also so that when we meet someone new and they see that tattoo and ask the inevitable question of who is Aiden or say I like your tattoo we can explain that we have another son that’s in heaven and he is our angel sent from God, our little fire. Shawn got his first and middle names and birthday tattooed on his forearm, I got his first and middle names, birthday and three turtles on my foot, one turtle for Aiden, one for Shawn, and one for me, eternally together always a family, even if Aiden is in heaven. I figure if in the future Shawn and I do have more children I have turtles put on my other foot to represent them, we’ll always be a family of turtles all because of our little turtle.

Today we had to go to the mortuary to pick up Aiden’s ashes, a day I never in a million years would have thought would come.  But then again all of the things that have happened thus far are things I never in a million years would have thought would or could happen. Funeral homes are depressing no matter what, but it is unbelievably depressing to be there to pick up the remains of your son, all of him reduced to ashes in a little white box…I had to keep reminding myself that Aiden is in heaven and that while that is his physical body, he is in heaven.  Aiden got to come home…Just not in any way that we would have imagined, but again none of this is anything I would have imagined.  Now we have the joy of figuring out what we’re going to do for him as far of service goes. We already know that we’re going to burry his ashes where Shawn’s dad in buried, but we aren’t sure if we’re going to go to burry him on our own or have a small service for him with family and friends while we’re there.  I’m starting to think we’re going to burry Aiden by ourselves and then have a small memorial service at our house afterward for family and friends.

Thinking about Aiden I can’t help but praise God for all of the time that we got to have with him, especially me, he was inside me we shared everything and did everything together. Aiden went everywhere I went, felt all of my emotions and heard everything that I heard. I feel so empty and useless,  like a key piece of me is missing without him. He was wondrously and perfectly made, God made him so perfect in every single way he was never meant for this world. God knew that sometimes some people are just so special and so perfect it’s not right for them to stay here in this world and be tied to flawed body and have to experience all of the pain and sorrow that comes with being here. God spared him of any of that of any suffering, he knew he was so special he couldn’t let him go.

Music is a great way to mourn, there are a million songs that come to mind, some that I listened to and sung to Aiden, others that express my sadness that he’s gone, still others completely unrelated that make you cry for no reason other then that their sad. Songs will just pop into my head because of their lyrics, I’ll be talking or typing and something will remind me of the lyrics of the song. Today was “Hear You Me” or some people know it by it’s chorus May Angels Lead You In by Jimmy Eat World. There’s just so many things in the lyrics to that song that apply, thinking we had more time with Aiden, feeling like we never got a chance to truly tell him goodbye (I mean before he was in heaven), feeling like even God knew he was to special.

Broken Hearted, but always loving, Aiden’s mommy
-Jessie M.

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