In the last week I've been starting to feel better a little more normal. I've officially left the house all of my own accord twice now, however yesterday I'm not so sure it was good for me to be driving myself. I'm supposed to be going back to work on Monday and I'm starting to feel a little anxious about that, especially after yesterday. I'm just afraid that while physically I've started feeling better and emotionally I've been better, I'm still kinda in my head and not really focused on anything else.
Yesterday while I was driving I noticed I wasn't really paying all that great of attention, not noticing other cars while I'm backing up, swerving close to guard rails while driving in the mountains. And while none of this is intentional and I've been trying to clear my head and focus it's just not working. I'm afraid that maybe I should have listened to the doctors recommendation of staying off work for at least a month, physically I'm doing much better besides my back which is still killing me, but maybe I shouldn't be going back when I'm still distracted. I just don't know what to do...It just scares me that I’ve been so reckless and if that’s how I am just backing out of a parking spot at the grocery store, then how am I supposed to be working like this? I mean part of it is just nerves about going back to work after having been off for a little while and after everything that’s happened. But part of it I can’t control at all, kinda like I’m in a really thick fog and can’t see more then a few feet in front of me. It’s disturbing really, I’ve even noticed I don’t look people in the eye anymore, almost like if we have eye contact they’ll see off the hurt and pain inside me, they’ll know I’m broken.
Talking about trying again has also been consuming my mind lately, I have so many fears like: what if it all happens again, what if I have another miscarriage, what if I can’t get pregnant again, what if I have a completely healthy baby and then it dies. I guess maybe this is all part of my fog that I can’t clear out of my head. I really think I will be ready once we can start trying again, I’m even excited about trying again, but I just have my reservations because I remember it wasn’t easy last time and I remember how depressed I was every time it didn’t happen.
Another part of my fog is that I’m afraid of how close we’ve cut it financially in the last few months. Shawn and I live paycheck to paycheck as it is, if something happens where one of us doesn’t get all of our hours one week we’re screwed and that’s happened a lot lately. Using some of the money I saved for maternity leave has helped get us back on track, but what would we have done otherwise? (And I really don’t like using that money because we do plan on trying again and we’re going to need that money for my unpaid maternity leave then) Certainly not have a Christmas this year, I’m still worried about Christmas I’m just not sure how any of us can afford it. If we’re only buying the bare minimum for groceries, milk, eggs, bread, if it’s on sale meat, then how are we going to buy gifts for over 20 people? - If you know me at all you know this makes me more upset then anything, I’m a proud person and I hate when I cut it close on anything. I hate the feeling of not being able to afford something, especially gifts for Christmas, Christmas shopping is always something I truly enjoy and get excited about. This year is already different enough, Aiden wont be here for Christmas like I had counted on, it’s still his first Christmas but he wont be celebrating it with us, he’ll be celebrating it with his grandpa in heaven.
I just feel so broken, I don’t know what I expected for myself at the end of this week. I guess I thought that maybe I’d be fine and be ready to go back to work, but those really weren’t fair assumptions, I’m rushing myself to be better and I’m not. I still feel hesitant to be around anyone, almost like I don’t really want to let anyone in and would honestly feel better if everyone left me alone. I like being alone, I like having all day with my thoughts, having time to maul them over without interruption, I like doing things on my own terms not someone else’s. I really expected that something would magically change inside of me and I would wake up feeling like I missed people and interaction with people, I used to be so sociable I’d go crazy without anyone to talk to, but now I could really careless, except for Shawn I really don’t want anyone around.
Maybe going back to work will be good for me, force me to be sociable again and maybe help me to regain some of myself and clear some of this fog. I’m trying to be optimistic and remind myself that I really do love my job and all of my patients and co-workers, and it’ll be good to see them again. That it’s not as scary and painful as my head is trying to convince me it will be. And same goes for trying again, I keep reminding myself that even as scary as it is having to start all over again, God has a purpose for my being here and my desperate need for children, and ultimately it’s all in HIS hands. Even if all of the things that I’m so afraid of happen, I know it’s for his purpose, as hard as that can be to swallow sometimes. God is working in me, and he’s patient with me. God doesn’t expect me to be all better overnight but he is helping me to get there because he knows that I will someday, just not right away.
A little less broken,
-Jessie (Aidens Mommy)