Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Beginning

To start I have to tell you that writing this is quite possibly the hardest thing I could ever do. But unless I start to write things down I'm afraid I'm going to start forgetting, and I don't want to forget anything about Aiden or his wonderful, beautiful life.

Everything truly started long before any of us could have even imagined that Aiden would ever exist. I was 16 and Shawn was 20 we met at Warren Tech. We we're both in different automotive programs, Shawn was in Auto body, and I was in Auto tech. Fast forward 3 years Shawn proposed on Easter Sunday after much coaxing for me. A year later we were married on April 18th, 2009, it was the happiest day of our lives thus far.

A month later I started noticing differences in my body something didn't feel normal. I was positive that I was pregnant, I was terrified we had just gotten married what would people think? I waited until June 1st to take a home pregnancy was negative. I was crushed, I had gotten so excited at the idea of being a parent that I didn't want to except that I wasn't. After about two weeks it was time for my yearly OBGYN visit, I decided to see a new Doctor someone who was supposed to be very good. When I went in for my visit, I brought medical records from all of the millions of specialists that I had seen and prepared myself for my least favorite appointment (Back then I thought that was the worst I'd ever face appointment wise, just goes to show you that sometimes what you thought was rock bottom was only half way down). After the doctor went over all of my previous medical information, things from specialists suggesting that I had a very severe case of endometriosis, that I most likely wouldn't have children, he asked why I was there.  Why was I there?!? Hmm lets see, I've been told my whole life I have to see an OBGYN at least yearly to monitor cysts to make sure none of them burst, or maybe it's because I'm constantly in pain because my female parts don't work right, or maybe it's because you koo koo birds that call yourselves OBGYN's insist that I'm on a high dose birth control to help control my endometriosis, and some how those prescription's don't write themselves. The appointment was not off to a good start, I already hated him just like I hated every other OBGYN I had ever met. I wanted to scream take your head out of your butt and look at me like a person not a diagnosis!!! Now please note I'm not heartless I didn't take his head off like I wanted to, my simple response to his question was "I'm here for my yearly", and after going over the basics that we were going to do an ultrasound to monitor cysts, a pelvic exam (and my personal favorite the part where every doctor stops and says "I can actually feel scar tissue while doing your pelvic exam"), I asked about what I had noticed last month. The doctor looked over my records again and says "you started a new birth control prescription a week before your wedding, and then you were put on two very high dose antibiotics at the same time correct?" I informed him that yes I had, that's why I had thought I was pregnant but the test was negative. The doctor had me take another test in office that confirmed again that I was not expecting, then sent me for the ultrasound. During the ultrasound not only did they note that my cysts were smaller then they have been on any other scan, but there was a sac in my uterus. Not a healthy growing baby, one that had past at least a few weeks ago. The ultrasound tech didn't comment on this little sac and in fact when I asked about it cause I had never seen that on an ultrasound before she said coldly "Your doctor will talk to you about that". Coming back into the room I'm assuming the worst, I'm thinking it's uterine cancer or something horrible. The doctor walks in and "says you were 5 weeks pregnant but your aborting your baby, you will most likely start bleeding in a few days if you don't we will do a D/C next week" After that he hands me updated information for endometriosis and walks out of the room. I wasn't processing at that time, the nurse came back into the room and discussed that they would be calling me next week to confirm that I had completely aborted the baby on my own. She then informed me that once the abortion was complete they wanted me back to discuss more aggressive treatment for my endometriosis unless my husband and I intended to start trying right away to get pregnant again. She then informed me that that was what we should do seeing as with my prognosis if we didn't have children before age 22 I would most likely never have children of my own.

Leaving that office, I cried harder then I had ever cried in my life. How did that happen? what had I done that had caused my baby to die? I tried to call Shawn a million times, then I tried my mom, then Shawn's mom. Ruth answered and stayed on the phone with me till I got home, I'm sure that 90% of that conversation she couldn't understand because I was sobbing so hard, but the important thing was that she was there, she was crying too, I wasn't alone.

I spent 4 months spiraling down into a dark dark place. Shawn and I had decided that we weren't ready for children just yet maybe we'd start trying in 6 months. I hadn't told anyone except Shawn, Shawn's mom, and my mom. I felt like that baby was a dirty little secret, it was eating me alive. Around us every one's lives weren't doing to hot either. We knew people who had separated from their partner, others who had asked for a divorce from their spouse, we weren't getting along the best because we were processing in different ways, it felt like nothing was right in the world. In late August early September I was put on antibiotics again for a re-current stomach issue. A few weeks later I felt different again, I was sure it had happened again. I rushed to the store bought pregnancy tests and took one, the line was faint really faint like I wasn't sure it was really there. I told no one and took another in 2 days, nothing the line was gone. I read online that it's called a chemical pregnancy, there's hormones present because the sperm met egg and tried to implant but it didn't stick. I had called this one our June bug, but our June bug was exactly that, there one day and gone the next.

October, November, December my heart ached for a baby, Shawn and I got into many fights because I was so desperate to have a child of my own. I didn't want my small window of opportunity to close and have never even tried. I didn't want to only be a parent to my cats, I wanted a baby, someone who solely depended on me for everything. In January shortly after my 21st birthday I announced that my prescription was almost up and that I refused to go in to have it filled. Shawn processed this announcement and the next morning while grabbing our daily vitamins left out my birth control. He said that if we were going to start trying we'd start trying then.

The first month I was so convinced that we would get pregnant right away, it's simple right? Sperm meets egg = baby. Sadly not as simple as it seems, my doctors had recommended that I start keeping track of my ovulation to make sure that with my endometriosis I was actually ovulating. They didn't want me off of medication for my endometriosis for very long because it gets worse with every menstrual cycle, they informed me that I needed to be keeping track of my basal body temperature and after a few months if I wasn't pregnant they would do surgery to remove some of the scar tissue that could be blocking the egg from making to the Fallopian tube (A surgery called a laprascopy which insurance will cover unless it's for fertility purposes, which in my case it would be). January/February wasn't our month, a little discouraged we headed into the next month. I was convinced that St. Patricks day was going to be my luck charm, granted testing on St. Patricks day wouldn't give me a positive just yet, the days after might...

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