Sunday, March 16, 2014

You would have been 4 this year!

Lately God has been stirring up a lot of emotion in my heart. Between the ever changing landscape of my family, the pain of the one no longer here and all of the damage done inbeweteen. I think its sad that so often people see Hailey or I and don't see the full story, or those that know, don't really know. Or how often they say just the wrong thing, the things that cuts so deep. Its so strange to think of how similar yet different my life is from when this all began. I remeber before I knew that anything was wrong with Aiden, I used to talk to him about how we were going to leave and it was going to be just us two but that we'd be ok. We'd be better off, it'd be hard but we could do it. Well we did leave, its just me and Hailey now. I think its funny becayse so many of the people who surround us now, know of Aiden, but they don't know his story. So many of them are only just now learning of my divorce let alone the rest of the story. I have to admit I honestly laugh at peoples assumptions, so many think that I was a teen mom, or had a one night stand, they never guess that my marriage fell apart and I've lost a child. This week has been rough on me, I feel like everytime there are turbulent waters for myself and Hailey are the times I completely fall to peices. I think its God's way of saying its ok for me to not be ok anymore and he'll take it from there. After everything happened everyone always told me how strong I was and I guess I've taken that to heart. I have to be strong for Aiden and for Hailey and sometimes I just can't be strong anymore. Today I volunteered in the 3yr old room at church, I made it through without a tear but the moment I got back to my mothers I felt my heart sink. Aiden would have been in that room today, learning about how Jesus turned water into wine, and soon Hailey will be there. Then on Facebook I see a picture of a grave stonrle with a sand box and a small boy playing, the caption reading that the mother wanted her son to still be able to play with his brother. Or read about an amazing little girl in Texas, who tomorrow will have beaten the odds 9 times on Monday. I'm overjoyed for her and her family, but I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt. I hurt thinking of all of the things that her family has been through over the last nine years, it hurts to think of the things she will never be able to do. It hurts to think of Aiden and how Hailey misses out each day in the joys of the sibling she'll never know. The big brother that will never get to teach her, play with her, annoy her or protect her. It was this weekend four years ago I found out I was goingto have Aiden. It seems like just yesterday, I'd love to tell you that the pain goes away but I'd be lying. You have a hard night with your little one, they ask why their sibling isn't there, or you see a child about that age with the same name and your heart stops. Your friend tells youthey are pregnant and your overjoyed for them but terrified that something may go wrong. What I can trll you is that it does get better, you learn how to be happy for those experiencing joy and bite your tongue about the things you've learned, God gives grace to answer questions and THE ABSOLUTE BEST THING I'VE LEARNED its ok to break down. You don't have to be strong, feel your pain and cast it onto God. Let him heal your heart and give you hope. And on the very worst days remember Jeremiah 29:11. Write it on evrything you see and pray for understanding, trust and peace. Love always! Jessie

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